Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
I am so worried about my friend deploying....he means more to me than he knows and he leaves very soon. Please pray for him....
Christmas is coming and I am trying so hard to stay strong but I know once Christmas Eve gets here I am going to crumble...and I cant help but worry about the whole Twomey family. Please keep them in your prayers..
Thursday, December 16, 2010
*sigh* I want good news. I want something to be excited about. I dont want to be so sad!!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I want to feel his hand in mine, see his smiling face, hear him call me "kumkwat", smell his body wash when he steps out of the shower, taste his diet coke kisses, and just have him here. I here him in every song, see him in every store, but I want my CJ. I want my future husband, future father of my kids, and current love of my life.
I havent even changed the month of my calendar. I refuse to. I refuse to see the most magical time of the year go by without him. It is not fair. I think I am making progress, and it all comes crashing down. I just need someone to hug me and hold me and tell me everything will be alright; even though clearly it wont be.
I miss being wanted, being needed. I miss having that person I can call any time day or night. I miss having that person who calls just to say "i love you". I want him back. I want him back NOW. Or trade places with him. So I wouldnt have to see all these people hurt. I would have done anything for him. "I would give everything I own. Give you my life, my heart, my home."
I hear "Youll be in My Heart" at the Maine Mall the other day. Thats the song Hallie always told CJ she would dance with him to at his wedding. I nearly lost it. His wedding, would have been our wedding. I would have been watching them dance with a big smile on my face and happy tears in my eyes. I no longer have the opportunity to do that. I can no longer plan our wedding, our lives, our futures. I can no longer do anything....
Sunday, December 12, 2010
I really do not know, but I think I would like to explore this a little bit more. I am clueless when it comes to religion, so learning wont hurt me any. Maybe it will even help. I guess we will see...
Saturday, December 4, 2010
It also really sucks that I am about to lose the AF if I dont lose weight in 28 days. It sucks that everything is beginning to fall apart all over again. It sucks that everything sucks!
I try to be positive and when I do I get slapped in the face by people who supposedly care about me. I reakky just do not know what to do now. I mean really. How do I win?
Monday, November 29, 2010
I am so worried about a good friend now....he deploys soon and even though he will not be gone long, I am terrified of losing him. Funny....I have never met him in person but I feel closer to him than a lot of my friends around here. I fear for the worst, since I just saw what could happen...
What if I do not have the strength to do this Air Force thing? What if I really am not tough enough? Can I handle war? Can I shoot a gun and be trained to kill? Can I look someone in the eye and know that they are the enemy? Can I have the strength that CJ had? Or will I fall apart and give up?
Sunday, November 28, 2010
*She truly is my best friend
*She has driven, more than once, from UMF to Auburn simply because I needed her
*She shares her bed :)
*She shares her family
*She lets me snuggle with her boyfriend ;)
*She is there any time of day
*She took care of me all summer
*She brought me to Florida!
*She didnt leave my side when everyone else did
*After CJ died, she stayed in my dorm room so I was never alone
I love you Brie! Thank you for everything you have done and continue to do!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
*He taught me how to love
*He got me through college
*He was the best support system anyone could ask for
*He made me laugh when my world was crumbling
*He was the best lover and the best friend
*He never judged me
*He held me when I cried
*He bragged about me to his friends
*He warmed up the bed for me
*He sent me texts at 2am saying he loved me
*He introduced me to amazing people
*He made me part of the family
*He made me grow up
*He was everything I could ever hope for
*He taught me life is too short to hold grudges
*He trusted me
*He loved me
Thats all I can stomach for today. I will do a new person tomorrow. But writing this made me realize how much I learned in the years we had known each other. I have so much to thank him for. I have so much more life experience because of him. I am stronger, I am wiser, I know love. Thank You Christopher John Twomey.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Worried about Christmas. Worried that I am going to lose my grandfather before Christmas gets here. I will NOT be able to get through that day without both of them. Please pray for him, I need him for one more Christmas...
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
I almost cried at work because of it. I was angry, annoyed, pissed, at everyone and everything. All I wanted was some angry music to calm me down...but every song I came across was relevant to him, in some way.
I want to toughen up. People think I am being pathetic and that little things like that shouldnt bother me, but the fact is, they do. It is not my choice, it is not something I can control, it just...is.
I know a lot of people are worried about me right now. I DO seem to be getting worse, and I am aware of it. I couldnt do what he did. Not because I am not capable, because it is an easy thing to do, but because of the effects. I may not be a part of they Twomey family, but I feel as though that would really make things worse for them. And as Dayna told me last night, I couldnt do it because of Charlie. I have been around Charlie three times now, and he is such an incredible boy. Wisdom and strength beyond his years, and such a big heart. Not to mention, my family. Their reaction to CJs death has shown me that it would destroy them if I chose the same path.
I love all of you above, and my friends. I am trying so hard to get through this so please, bare with me. Please, help me. Please, support me. If I am too much for any of you, I understand. If you dont want me in your life anymore, I understand. But dont play with me head. Be straight with me from now on. But thank you, and I love you, to those of you who are true.
Monday, November 22, 2010
I am starting to understand how he felt. I am starting to understand how even though people "care" about you, you can still feel alone. Like I have said before, to quote Titanic, "I feel like I'm in a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and nobody even looks up."
I just dont know anymore. Everyone has all these solutions for my problems, but it is not that simple. I dont want to share my story to a group, I dont have the money for a counselor, and I WILL NOT go on meds. I will take the misery and the sleepless nights before I go on meds....
I just hope everyone knows that I love them....I really do....
Sunday, November 21, 2010
On cold nights like this, currently 21 degrees, I just want to come home to him snoring in the heated bed. I want to come home to his warm body. I want to come home to his open arms. I want to come home to HIM. But every night I come home to a dark house with an empty bed. Every night it is a knife through my heart. Every night I lie awake in hopes that he can see how much I miss him.
I dont like this hurt. I dont like this pain. I dont want to spend the holidays here....but there is nowhere else to go. What I WANT cant happen. What I WANT can never happen again....which destroys me. *sigh* I realize I am getting worse. I dont cry as much as when it first happened, now I am simply numb and just dont, and cant, care about anything. Sympathy for others is something I no longer know, which makes me a terrible person but its not something I can control. I want to be me again.
But I cant be me again. Because the old me died with CJ. The old me knew what love and happiness was. Now all I know is heartbreak, sadness, and anger. I want to go back to April 13th and MAKE CJ come back to Farmington with me. I want to insist that he leaves with me. Want, want, want. Thats all I am lately.....
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Speaking of pinky promises being broken....I have broken mine to him. While laying with him in the hospital bed, I pinky promised him that I would take care of his family, and help them get through this. But dammit...I have failed. I have been of no help to the Twomey's. I havent done anything useful and that eats at me every single day. I want so badly to fix this, to make them happy again. I feel as though I am failing not only them, but CJ as well.
It is bad enough I failed him while he was alive, but now I am failing him when he is gone. I am the worst girlfriend ever...no wonder nobody wants to be with me. No wonder I have lost all of my friends. Am I the only one who couldnt see that I wasnt doing enough? Did I not see the signs that he was no longer happy? I just dont know what to think anymore....
Friday, November 19, 2010
My aunt took me in 3 years ago when I left my parents house and had nowhere else to go. She feeds me, gives me a roof over my head, and anything else I need. Some days I am not as thankful as I should be so I will take today to say...thank you, Tatante, for all that you do for me. I love you so much and appreciate everything you do for me..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LINDA DUBOIS!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I keep thinking about seeing him in the hospital. Keep thinking of that final kiss on his cheek. How I laid in that bed with him and held him one last time. How I didnt want to leave his side....not even for one minute. How all I could do was beg God to bring him back.
I dont know how to handle this. People gey annoyed with me being so sad, but guess what? They did not have to see what we saw. They did not see their loved one lay in a hospital bed with a fever so bad he had to be surrounded with ice packs and the room was like a freezer. They didnt have to see their fiances head wrapped in a bandage. They didnt wipe the blood off of his ear or see the swelling.
Nobody has a damn right to judge how sad I am. Nobody has the right to say anything negative about the way I am handling this. Because I am try as hard as I can. You live with the guilt of knowing about that gun. You live thinking about how horrid of a gf you must have been for him to do that. Then you can judge me.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
My anger is beginning to fade; but it is not gone. I know you must have been hurting so badly to do something so final. I could have helped you....youre family could have helped you...I hope you can see how much we love you.
Please know that not a day goes by that I dont think of your gorgeous smile, your bright blue eyes, your warm hugs, and your loving kiss. You have a huge piece of my heart, a piece I will never get back and oddly, I am okay with that. I would rather you have taken it with you than give it to someone who never loved me at all.
Please know that no matter how angry I may be, no matter what I say or do, you were my everything. I may not be able to spend my life with you, or hold you every night, but I feel your arms around me every time I have a bad dream. I hear your laugh when I talk about the foolish things you have done. I feel your hand in mine when I walk alone. You are a part of me, and I am so thankful for that.
I thank God that i had the time I had with you. Nobody else can say that they spent the night before with you eating ice cream and giggling. Nobody else got that long sweet kiss at the end of the night. Nobody else got to kiss you through Lauren's car window. And nobody else got to make that final pinky promise
I love you Christopher John Twomey. Always and Forever has a brand new meaning. Youre always in my heart.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Thank you Ms. Labrie for making me realize that I can really do this!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
I am still crying from it....why? Why wont they stop? Why is my life forever altered because of his stupid decision? I am so angry! I dont want to be mad at him but I am...I am so mad! I still have to live this life and when I am plagued by nightmares, even when I am awake, it makes life hell. It makes waking up every day hell. I just want this to stop...
Monday, November 8, 2010
1) My family. Even though we all fight constantly I know that they love me. My mom and I have had a rocky relationship...but the day CJ was in the hospital, she showed up without me even having to ask.
2) the Twomey family. Even though I have lost them as a family, I am thankful that they have each other and that their love is so strong.
3) My (FEW) friends. I really do not have many, but the ones who are there for me have proven that they really care. It boggles my mind that people who have never met me care more about me than people I have known for my whole life.
4) My health. Granted I dont have the best health, and certainly not the best body, I am able to work, play, and learn.
5) A job. I make decent money, work with decent people, and I am able to afford the things that I want which is more than a lot of people can say.
6) Love. I may not have CJ in my life now, but he taught me how to love. He showed me that I can do anything and that it is possible to love me. He showed me laughter, and happiness. He showed me things that I will never forget. He taught me to love and to live, and for that I am forever thankful.
I am sure there are a lot of other things I should be thankful for....but right now this is the best I can do....
Sunday, November 7, 2010
1) i hate life. I hate waking up everyday and not seeing that smile
2) i hate death. Death took the love of my life away from me
3) i hate guns, i hate bullets
4) i hate myself. How the FUCK did i not realize this was coming
5) i hate jettas. All jettas. Mostly silver ones. What if one of them is his?
6) i hate maine. I hate auburn. I hate farmington. I hate mass. I hate haverhill. I hate andover. I hate the loop. I hate any place we went together because we will never go there together again.
7) i hate being judged. Every time someone looks at me i can feel it.
8) i hate people being afraid to talk to me. I WANT TO TALK DAMMIT!
9) i hate that i lost his family and i lost my friends
10) i hate when people blame me for this when they get mad at me
11) i hate that i have to even write this shit.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
How am i making it through the days?
How am i waking up every morning?
I dont know how to do this....it hurts so much. He took a piece of me with him when he died.....a piece I will never ever get back.
I miss him so much....
CJ youre my everything....always and forever has a bramd new meaning....
Monday, September 27, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
So many people have forgotten the trauma I live each and every day...I haven't.
So many people don't and can't understand this pain...I don't either.
So many people have said they wish they could take the pain for me....I wouldn't wish that.
So many people don't know what to say....I get that.
So many people have distanced themselves from me...I hate it.
So many people don't realize the love I had/have for him....I know they can't.
So many people have stopped calling...I wish they wouldn't have.
So many people were there for me the week it happened...I long for them to come back.
So many people have never lost someone like this....I thank God for that.
I found a song that fits me perfectly. It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing by Shania Twain:
It only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So I hold my breath, to forget.
Anyone who wants to say that I should just get over it, anyone who says I don't care, well quite frankly, they can all go to hell. I miss CJ with every ounce of my being. Not a second goes by that I do no think of him, I see him in everything that I do. At work, on the beach, in the car, in the trees, EVERYWHERE!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
Written For Danielle by Brie
I am writing to give you all sad news on April 15th 2010 Danielle said her final good bye to her fiancée CJ Twomey. He passed away unexpectedly. This left his family and friends shocked.
Please take a moment to read CJ’s obituary his family wrote this even in their time of sadness. Also take a moment to sign guest book.
For those of us who knew CJ we will forever feel the shock of his death. We will miss his laugh, his smile, and his ability to make out the good in any situation. CJ was an amazing person who made an impression on everyone who knew him. My family knew CJ for a night and they even feel the sadness of his passing.
Danielle has received a huge amount of support from her family and friends. All of us need to be there for her no matter what. Even after the services she needs our support.
One way you can help out CJ’s family is by making a donation to a fund set up by friends of CJ’s parents. The fund is called the "Twomey Family Benefit” for the family to use as they see fit – for funeral expenses, for a memorial for CJ or maybe even to just be able to get away as a family and spend time grieving the loss of their beloved son.
A donation can be made at any TD Bank and ask to make a donation to the "Twomey Family Benefit" (these exact words must be used). If, however, you do not have a TD Bank near you (as they are only located on the East Coast) you can simply mail a check to:
200 US Route 1
Falmouth, ME 04105
Make Checks payable to Twomey Family Benefit, also include those words in the memo line.
Remember that we all need someone to lean on in our times of need and please be there for Danielle.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
As much as I like to walk out of or walk in to my dorm late at night and be jumped, it gets quite old. I mean really people? We are in college! GIVE ME A BREAK! FML!
Just ranting.....damn game!
Monday, April 12, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
The sun is shining and my amazing boyfriend is waiting for me in my room, what more could I ask for on my birthday! Love you all and thank you so much!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I have been in and out of the hospital the past 2 days because it appears I have ovarian cysts :( ickyyy! Thankfully mine isn't too big, only 2 cm but lemme tell you, IT FELT FREAKING HUGE! Think about the sharpest thing you can think of stabbing you in the ovaries, oh yeah NOT pleasant!
Now thankfully mine is not that big, but that is something that could happen :( It is terrifying! And it hurts! Ugh Bruins BETTER win, that's all I have to say lol
I also miss my boyfriend :( While I have been going through all this is is soaking up the sun in Florida with his family, lucky duck! I am super jealous, but I know he is worried about me so I feel bad for making him worry :( He will be home soon though and he has promised a tummy rub so I am content :)
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Also, my birthday is in 18 days! Whoo hoo! 19 here I come! Such a lame age but whatever, another year older!
Friday, March 12, 2010
Going home here in a few minutes, gotta tumble tomorrow! I am excited, I LOVE going to Duziaks with Stephen and Mike, and CJ is going to come watch too! Yay!
Monday, March 8, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
Short post and I know it has been a while but I have been leveling xD haha :)
Thursday, February 25, 2010
We both needed to grab a few things from Wal Mart, so we figured since we were already in Waterville, we would just stop there. We ended up being there until midnight! When we left, it had started snowing and the roads were beginning to get slushy...uh oh....
So we were driving and we felt the car slip a bit but it seemed like everything was under control....until the last swerve....Brie thought she had gotten the car back under control so she did was any person would do, and one of the worst things you can do while sliding.....brake.
The next part seemed like it took forever to happen when in reality it could not have been more than a few seconds. We slid, and spun to the other side of the road and went into a ditch on my side. My thought process was insane!
The whole time we were sliding I could hear myself say to Bire, "relax, you got this, relax, we're going to be okay." I noticed no cars were coming so I was very grateful for that. I realized we were going off the side of the road into the ditch, so I closed my eyes, gritted my teeth, and waited for the pain.
When the car finally stopped the first thing I checked was to make sure Brie was okay. She was very shaken, but physically fine. I then realized my body was numb from the adrenaline and even if I was hurt I would not have felt it. I checked the window, fine, I checked my body, not a scratch. I then started feeling the pounding in my head and realized I had hit my head off of the passenger window. Damn did it hurt! I then felt the twinge in my neck, and the very painful spot in my back. It can't be anything serious because here I sit typing this, but it still really hurts.
We had to wait 45 minutes for the tow truck, mind you we called AAA at around ten past twelve at night....so it was very cold. The car is okay, both passenger side doors are dented and the car needs a serious front end alignment but other than that, it was quite a trooper!
In reality we were only 30 mins from campus, according to the GPS, but we took it very slow, because we were both shaking and nervous. We finally got home safe at 2am! Neither of us went to our classes today because we are sore and exhausted, but we talked to our teachers and they fully understand.
Tomorrow I am heading to Auburn to see my soldier! I am so excited but it is supposed to snow a lot so Brie and I are nervous now to travel. We'll be okay though. A lot of people have asked why we don't just stay on campus, but, 1) she needs to get her car checked out, 2) she doesn't want to go alone, and 3) I gotta see my babe!
So keep us in your prayers for tomorrow and wish us a safe trip because we need it!
Monday, February 22, 2010
I am so happy my baby is home :) He has a boo boo or too, but check out the whole story by going to his mom's blog above!
I LOVE YOU CHRISTOPHER JOHN TWOMEY AND YOU MAKE ME SO PROUD IN EVERYTHING THAT YOU DO!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Not too much to say, this week was pretty lame. I had to come back to UMF today instead of tomorrow because I have to work at good old DD tomorrow morning at 8am....oh joy!
Missing the boyfriend but hey that is no surprise, missing cheering, and so glad to be back on my own.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Finally! Pictures! I had to post this one because even though CJ is in Afghanistan he still is being his silly self with his cheesy grin :) I was so excited to see that he posted pictures last night. It is so nice to see his face. A face that I miss so much. I am doing alright at the moment, these pictures definitely have helped me come to terms with things. All I can do is support him 100% and wait for his phone calls.
I adore this, of course we are all worried about him and he can still make me laugh! What a goober :) I would like to thank everyone that has been so supportive of me, CJ, and his family at times like this. It is sooooo needed and even just saying one kind word can brighten my day.
I love you Ssgt Twomey. Stay safe, come home soon, and remember, I'll see you later :)
**I can't hug you on the phone, so hurry home**
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Tonight is going to be a busy night. I have class 230-330, tumbling 430-6ish, practice 7-9, then studying my tush off with Lyndsay for our Ecology test tomorrow.
I have slept so much the past few days, why am I still so tired? Ughhhh I am simply drained.
Monday, February 8, 2010
I have decided that once the cupcakes my Memere made me are gone it is time to eat healthy, work out, and get in better shape. If CJ is working his tush off I feel that I should be too! He has already started working hard and training hard so it is time for me to step up and do the same.
I just hope that the WHOLE Twomey family knows, I am here for you all. I love you all, and I hope that you guys will talk to me when you need someone to lean on....you guys really are family to me....Keep your chins up, I sure am trying, we can get through this, but only if we pull together.