Brothers

Very rough night tonight. Watched the movie Brothers...which is about a soldier who becomes a POW in Afghanistan and returns home and has major PTSD (sorry if I ruined the movie for anyone). In the end, the soldier puts a gun to his head and that instant brought me back to April 14...to see someone come so close to doing it was horrifying. I could not breathe, was crying, and nearly threw up.

I am so worried about a good friend now....he deploys soon and even though he will not be gone long, I am terrified of losing him. Funny....I have never met him in person but I feel closer to him than a lot of my friends around here. I fear for the worst, since I just saw what could happen...

What if I do not have the strength to do this Air Force thing? What if I really am not tough enough? Can I handle war? Can I shoot a gun and be trained to kill? Can I look someone in the eye and know that they are the enemy? Can I have the strength that CJ had? Or will I fall apart and give up?

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The second person I am thankful for....

Brie Holloran
*She truly is my best friend
*She has driven, more than once, from UMF to Auburn simply because I needed her
*She shares her bed :)
*She shares her family
*She lets me snuggle with her boyfriend ;)
*She is there any time of day
*She took care of me all summer
*She brought me to Florida!
*She didnt leave my side when everyone else did
*After CJ died, she stayed in my dorm room so I was never alone

I love you Brie! Thank you for everything you have done and continue to do!

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So I was told that I should start writing about what I am thankful for. I think I'll give it a shot.

CJ:
*He taught me how to love
*He got me through college
*He was the best support system anyone could ask for
*He made me laugh when my world was crumbling
*He was the best lover and the best friend
*He never judged me
*He held me when I cried
*He bragged about me to his friends
*He warmed up the bed for me
*He sent me texts at 2am saying he loved me
*He introduced me to amazing people
*He made me part of the family
*He made me grow up
*He was everything I could ever hope for
*He taught me life is too short to hold grudges
*He trusted me
*He loved me

Thats all I can stomach for today. I will do a new person tomorrow. But writing this made me realize how much I learned in the years we had known each other. I have so much to thank him for. I have so much more life experience because of him. I am stronger, I am wiser, I know love. Thank You Christopher John Twomey.

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What an emotional day. I saw a lot of family that I have not seen in years, so was forced to rehash some of the details of that dreaded day. Managed to keep it together until now. Since I am proud of myself for staying strong all day, I dont feel so bad for sobbing now.

Worried about Christmas. Worried that I am going to lose my grandfather before Christmas gets here. I will NOT be able to get through that day without both of them. Please pray for him, I need him for one more Christmas...

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I was listening to my Ipod today and realized....almost every single song reminds me of him, or us. Even music seems to be turning against me....how could something that is so important to me devestate me now? Either the song was one of "ours", or he sang it to me, or he danced to it, or he loved it, or we rocked out to it, everything is him.

I almost cried at work because of it. I was angry, annoyed, pissed, at everyone and everything. All I wanted was some angry music to calm me down...but every song I came across was relevant to him, in some way.

I want to toughen up. People think I am being pathetic and that little things like that shouldnt bother me, but the fact is, they do. It is not my choice, it is not something I can control, it just...is.

I know a lot of people are worried about me right now. I DO seem to be getting worse, and I am aware of it. I couldnt do what he did. Not because I am not capable, because it is an easy thing to do, but because of the effects. I may not be a part of they Twomey family, but I feel as though that would really make things worse for them. And as Dayna told me last night, I couldnt do it because of Charlie. I have been around Charlie three times now, and he is such an incredible boy. Wisdom and strength beyond his years, and such a big heart. Not to mention, my family. Their reaction to CJs death has shown me that it would destroy them if I chose the same path.

I love all of you above, and my friends. I am trying so hard to get through this so please, bare with me. Please, help me. Please, support me. If I am too much for any of you, I understand. If you dont want me in your life anymore, I understand. But dont play with me head. Be straight with me from now on. But thank you, and I love you, to those of you who are true.

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Having anxiety again. Will I ever get better? Will I ever be able to go one day without breaking down? I realize I am becoming a burden to others....and for that, I am sorry.

I am starting to understand how he felt. I am starting to understand how even though people "care" about you, you can still feel alone. Like I have said before, to quote Titanic, "I feel like I'm in a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and nobody even looks up."

I just dont know anymore. Everyone has all these solutions for my problems, but it is not that simple. I dont want to share my story to a group, I dont have the money for a counselor, and I WILL NOT go on meds. I will take the misery and the sleepless nights before I go on meds....

I just hope everyone knows that I love them....I really do....

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Winter is coming....it is getting colder....the holidays are getting closer....and I have no FREAKING clue how I am going to get through them....I keep finding myself Christmas shopping for him. I think that is one of the hardest things to deal with. I will walk through a store and think, "oh CJ would LOVE that," then I remember....not that I ever truly forget.

On cold nights like this, currently 21 degrees, I just want to come home to him snoring in the heated bed. I want to come home to his warm body. I want to come home to his open arms. I want to come home to HIM. But every night I come home to a dark house with an empty bed. Every night it is a knife through my heart. Every night I lie awake in hopes that he can see how much I miss him.

I dont like this hurt. I dont like this pain. I dont want to spend the holidays here....but there is nowhere else to go. What I WANT cant happen. What I WANT can never happen again....which destroys me. *sigh* I realize I am getting worse. I dont cry as much as when it first happened, now I am simply numb and just dont, and cant, care about anything. Sympathy for others is something I no longer know, which makes me a terrible person but its not something I can control. I want to be me again.

But I cant be me again. Because the old me died with CJ. The old me knew what love and happiness was. Now all I know is heartbreak, sadness, and anger. I want to go back to April 13th and MAKE CJ come back to Farmington with me. I want to insist that he leaves with me. Want, want, want. Thats all I am lately.....

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I keep trying to remember how happy I used to be. Sure I have been able to have some fun since it happened....but I have not been genuinely happy since that pinky promise on April 13th, 2010. Less than 24 hours before it happened...he pinky promised me that he would pick me up on the 16th for my vacation....that was the first, and only, pinky promise he ever broke...

Speaking of pinky promises being broken....I have broken mine to him. While laying with him in the hospital bed, I pinky promised him that I would take care of his family, and help them get through this. But dammit...I have failed. I have been of no help to the Twomey's. I havent done anything useful and that eats at me every single day. I want so badly to fix this, to make them happy again. I feel as though I am failing not only them, but CJ as well.

It is bad enough I failed him while he was alive, but now I am failing him when he is gone. I am the worst girlfriend ever...no wonder nobody wants to be with me. No wonder I have lost all of my friends. Am I the only one who couldnt see that I wasnt doing enough? Did I not see the signs that he was no longer happy? I just dont know what to think anymore....

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Happy Birthday Tatante!

Even though my grief seems unbareable at times, life is still going on. Days continue to go by and today is no exception. BUT, it is my aunts birthday!

My aunt took me in 3 years ago when I left my parents house and had nowhere else to go. She feeds me, gives me a roof over my head, and anything else I need. Some days I am not as thankful as I should be so I will take today to say...thank you, Tatante, for all that you do for me. I love you so much and appreciate everything you do for me..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LINDA DUBOIS!

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I thought I could get through this. I thought, as long as I keep him in my mind I can do this. I cant. I am sitting here sobbing hysterically because of something I read and nightmares I had. I just want him here.

I keep thinking about seeing him in the hospital. Keep thinking of that final kiss on his cheek. How I laid in that bed with him and held him one last time. How I didnt want to leave his side....not even for one minute. How all I could do was beg God to bring him back.

I dont know how to handle this. People gey annoyed with me being so sad, but guess what? They did not have to see what we saw. They did not see their loved one lay in a hospital bed with a fever so bad he had to be surrounded with ice packs and the room was like a freezer. They didnt have to see their fiances head wrapped in a bandage. They didnt wipe the blood off of his ear or see the swelling.

Nobody has a damn right to judge how sad I am. Nobody has the right to say anything negative about the way I am handling this. Because I am try as hard as I can. You live with the guilt of knowing about that gun. You live thinking about how horrid of a gf you must have been for him to do that. Then you can judge me.

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Dear CJ

Everyone says you would want me to be happy....if you wanted me to be happy, why would you do this? Why would you take away the happiest Ive ever been?

My anger is beginning to fade; but it is not gone. I know you must have been hurting so badly to do something so final. I could have helped you....youre family could have helped you...I hope you can see how much we love you.

Please know that not a day goes by that I dont think of your gorgeous smile, your bright blue eyes, your warm hugs, and your loving kiss. You have a huge piece of my heart, a piece I will never get back and oddly, I am okay with that. I would rather you have taken it with you than give it to someone who never loved me at all.

Please know that no matter how angry I may be, no matter what I say or do, you were my everything. I may not be able to spend my life with you, or hold you every night, but I feel your arms around me every time I have a bad dream. I hear your laugh when I talk about the foolish things you have done. I feel your hand in mine when I walk alone. You are a part of me, and I am so thankful for that.

I thank God that i had the time I had with you. Nobody else can say that they spent the night before with you eating ice cream and giggling. Nobody else got that long sweet kiss at the end of the night. Nobody else got to kiss you through Lauren's car window. And nobody else got to make that final pinky promise

I love you Christopher John Twomey. Always and Forever has a brand new meaning. Youre always in my heart.

Forever yours,
Danielle

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Well today I decided to go back to school in January for a semester until I get a date for the Air Force. I miss school, so much. I miss my friends, the campus, the classes, everything. Plus, if I get enough credits I will start basic as an E3 instead of an E1 meaning....MORE MONEY!

Thank you Ms. Labrie for making me realize that I can really do this!

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I am really getting sick of these flashbacks....they scare me and always happen at the worst times. I was cashing someone out at work today and nearly burst into tears because everything about that day came rushing back. I have no idea what triggered it or why it happened but it wasw horrid.

I am still crying from it....why? Why wont they stop? Why is my life forever altered because of his stupid decision? I am so angry! I dont want to be mad at him but I am...I am so mad! I still have to live this life and when I am plagued by nightmares, even when I am awake, it makes life hell. It makes waking up every day hell. I just want this to stop...

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So ive been told to make a list of things im thankful for. I shall try...

1) My family. Even though we all fight constantly I know that they love me. My mom and I have had a rocky relationship...but the day CJ was in the hospital, she showed up without me even having to ask.

2) the Twomey family. Even though I have lost them as a family, I am thankful that they have each other and that their love is so strong.

3) My (FEW) friends. I really do not have many, but the ones who are there for me have proven that they really care. It boggles my mind that people who have never met me care more about me than people I have known for my whole life.

4) My health. Granted I dont have the best health, and certainly not the best body, I am able to work, play, and learn.

5) A job. I make decent money, work with decent people, and I am able to afford the things that I want which is more than a lot of people can say.

6) Love. I may not have CJ in my life now, but he taught me how to love. He showed me that I can do anything and that it is possible to love me. He showed me laughter, and happiness. He showed me things that I will never forget. He taught me to love and to live, and for that I am forever thankful.

I am sure there are a lot of other things I should be thankful for....but right now this is the best I can do....

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Write my feelings....not sure if you all want to hear them but okay...

1) i hate life. I hate waking up everyday and not seeing that smile

2) i hate death. Death took the love of my life away from me

3) i hate guns, i hate bullets

4) i hate myself. How the FUCK did i not realize this was coming

5) i hate jettas. All jettas. Mostly silver ones. What if one of them is his?

6) i hate maine. I hate auburn. I hate farmington. I hate mass. I hate haverhill. I hate andover. I hate the loop. I hate any place we went together because we will never go there together again.

7) i hate being judged. Every time someone looks at me i can feel it.

8) i hate people being afraid to talk to me. I WANT TO TALK DAMMIT!

9) i hate that i lost his family and i lost my friends

10) i hate when people blame me for this when they get mad at me

11) i hate that i have to even write this shit.

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