Winter is coming....it is getting colder....the holidays are getting closer....and I have no FREAKING clue how I am going to get through them....I keep finding myself Christmas shopping for him. I think that is one of the hardest things to deal with. I will walk through a store and think, "oh CJ would LOVE that," then I remember....not that I ever truly forget.

On cold nights like this, currently 21 degrees, I just want to come home to him snoring in the heated bed. I want to come home to his warm body. I want to come home to his open arms. I want to come home to HIM. But every night I come home to a dark house with an empty bed. Every night it is a knife through my heart. Every night I lie awake in hopes that he can see how much I miss him.

I dont like this hurt. I dont like this pain. I dont want to spend the holidays here....but there is nowhere else to go. What I WANT cant happen. What I WANT can never happen again....which destroys me. *sigh* I realize I am getting worse. I dont cry as much as when it first happened, now I am simply numb and just dont, and cant, care about anything. Sympathy for others is something I no longer know, which makes me a terrible person but its not something I can control. I want to be me again.

But I cant be me again. Because the old me died with CJ. The old me knew what love and happiness was. Now all I know is heartbreak, sadness, and anger. I want to go back to April 13th and MAKE CJ come back to Farmington with me. I want to insist that he leaves with me. Want, want, want. Thats all I am lately.....

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