Wednesday, September 15, 2010

5 Months too long....

It's been 5 months since that horrid day in April where I had to say goodbye to my love and my best friend. I still, every day, wonder what went wrong, wonder why he did it, wonder how I could not have prevented it.

For those of you who have shown me support, I thank you so very much. I do not think I would be able to get through this without all of your help. I continue to blame myself every day for this....and in doing so I continue to lose friends; off of Facebook and in real life. Having people bail on you at a time like this is probably the most devastating thing that could happen...but people think that I am too negative, that I need to "get over it" and that I need to move on. It is just really not that simple and I realize people do not understand that...which is a blessing and a curse.

I hope nobody EVER has to go through this, I just wish people could understand that I do not know what I want. I change my mind every five minutes. I am fine one second and the next I am is NOT something I can control. It is NOT something I want to be going through....but what am I to do?

My life has changed so drastically, in ways I never could have imagined. None of which have been positive....but again, what am I to do? I hear a song and I lose it, I sit at home alone and have anxiety attacks....How can I change that?!? The answer is simply, I can't. Not right now anyways. So please...understand that.


  1. when i am lost and confused and totally out of control i turn to God. The bible is such a comfort and his (Gods presence) is so there when i need him most.

    No matter what you think or believe (and it is totally OK to think and believe what you choose) YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for what CJ chose to do... He had an illness one that he hid well from EVERYONE and that my darling is the nature of that horrid theiving illness.

    It steals from the victim the ability to reach out to let others know of the pain... and even IF YOU knew more than most you still did not know the deepest darkest parts because ONLY CJ and God knew... and maybe not even CJ because IF he could have identified them then he WOULD have seen that killing himself would NOT fix the problem it would only give more pain than is imaginable and HE WOULD NEVER EVER HAVE DONE THAT if he HAD known.

    SO continue to reach out ... continue to laugh to cry to grieve get angry deny accept and of course never forget ... but SOMEDAY you will not hurt as badly and you will remember CJ with only the love and happiness... and a big smile for what you had and what was.

    BUT there is NOT a time frame there is NOT a right or wrong way... it is all individual...

    your true friends will not leave or get angry they will simply have tissues and popscicles (when my kids were little popscicles cured everything) handy for when you need them...

    Love you...

    5 months... so short yet so long... miss you CJ

  2. Danielle,

    Sending you my ongoing prayers.

    Sending peace.

    xo xo
    Deb Estep


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