5 Months too long....

It's been 5 months since that horrid day in April where I had to say goodbye to my love and my best friend. I still, every day, wonder what went wrong, wonder why he did it, wonder how I could not have prevented it.

For those of you who have shown me support, I thank you so very much. I do not think I would be able to get through this without all of your help. I continue to blame myself every day for this....and in doing so I continue to lose friends; off of Facebook and in real life. Having people bail on you at a time like this is probably the most devastating thing that could happen...but people think that I am too negative, that I need to "get over it" and that I need to move on. It is just really not that simple and I realize people do not understand that...which is a blessing and a curse.

I hope nobody EVER has to go through this, I just wish people could understand that I do not know what I want. I change my mind every five minutes. I am fine one second and the next I am bawling...it is NOT something I can control. It is NOT something I want to be going through....but what am I to do?

My life has changed so drastically, in ways I never could have imagined. None of which have been positive....but again, what am I to do? I hear a song and I lose it, I sit at home alone and have anxiety attacks....How can I change that?!? The answer is simply, I can't. Not right now anyways. So please...understand that.