I cant believe that we are still standing after 8 months. I know I say that every month but this month is the hardest of all. Seeing people smiling, holding hands, being in love, it makes me heart drop. Watching husbands buy gifts for their wives and vice versa...I want to buy for CJ. I want to be that happy.

I want to feel his hand in mine, see his smiling face, hear him call me "kumkwat", smell his body wash when he steps out of the shower, taste his diet coke kisses, and just have him here. I here him in every song, see him in every store, but I want my CJ. I want my future husband, future father of my kids, and current love of my life.

I havent even changed the month of my calendar. I refuse to. I refuse to see the most magical time of the year go by without him. It is not fair. I think I am making progress, and it all comes crashing down. I just need someone to hug me and hold me and tell me everything will be alright; even though clearly it wont be.

I miss being wanted, being needed. I miss having that person I can call any time day or night. I miss having that person who calls just to say "i love you". I want him back. I want him back NOW. Or trade places with him. So I wouldnt have to see all these people hurt. I would have done anything for him. "I would give everything I own. Give you my life, my heart, my home."

I hear "Youll be in My Heart" at the Maine Mall the other day. Thats the song Hallie always told CJ she would dance with him to at his wedding. I nearly lost it. His wedding, would have been our wedding. I would have been watching them dance with a big smile on my face and happy tears in my eyes. I no longer have the opportunity to do that. I can no longer plan our wedding, our lives, our futures. I can no longer do anything....

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