"you can shed tears that he is gone, or you can smile because he has lived. you can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all he's left. you can remember him only that he is gone, or you can cherish his memory and let it live on. you can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back. or you can do what he'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on."

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Having a bit of a rough night tonight. Stumbled upon the song Letters From War on someones Facebook page....if you have not heard that song, look it up, it hits hard.

I am so worried about my friend deploying....he means more to me than he knows and he leaves very soon. Please pray for him....

Christmas is coming and I am trying so hard to stay strong but I know once Christmas Eve gets here I am going to crumble...and I cant help but worry about the whole Twomey family. Please keep them in your prayers..

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Today was horrible. Someone in my family was so awful to me today that I cried my eyes out at work. I am sick sick sick! I worked 430 to 1230. I was just informed a good friend deploys in 2 weeks. Anything else???

*sigh* I want good news. I want something to be excited about. I dont want to be so sad!!

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I cant believe that we are still standing after 8 months. I know I say that every month but this month is the hardest of all. Seeing people smiling, holding hands, being in love, it makes me heart drop. Watching husbands buy gifts for their wives and vice versa...I want to buy for CJ. I want to be that happy.

I want to feel his hand in mine, see his smiling face, hear him call me "kumkwat", smell his body wash when he steps out of the shower, taste his diet coke kisses, and just have him here. I here him in every song, see him in every store, but I want my CJ. I want my future husband, future father of my kids, and current love of my life.

I havent even changed the month of my calendar. I refuse to. I refuse to see the most magical time of the year go by without him. It is not fair. I think I am making progress, and it all comes crashing down. I just need someone to hug me and hold me and tell me everything will be alright; even though clearly it wont be.

I miss being wanted, being needed. I miss having that person I can call any time day or night. I miss having that person who calls just to say "i love you". I want him back. I want him back NOW. Or trade places with him. So I wouldnt have to see all these people hurt. I would have done anything for him. "I would give everything I own. Give you my life, my heart, my home."

I hear "Youll be in My Heart" at the Maine Mall the other day. Thats the song Hallie always told CJ she would dance with him to at his wedding. I nearly lost it. His wedding, would have been our wedding. I would have been watching them dance with a big smile on my face and happy tears in my eyes. I no longer have the opportunity to do that. I can no longer plan our wedding, our lives, our futures. I can no longer do anything....

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I went to church today for the first time. I felt so guilty...I have been so caught up in myself the past 8 months...maybe I have handled everything all wrong? Maybe if I had only decided to let Jesus and God into my life things would be different?

I really do not know, but I think I would like to explore this a little bit more. I am clueless when it comes to religion, so learning wont hurt me any. Maybe it will even help. I guess we will see...

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It really sucks when you let someone in and they stab you in the back. It really sucks to think you are trusted just to find out that they dont trust you at all. It really sucks that I cant keep a friend for more than a few months.

It also really sucks that I am about to lose the AF if I dont lose weight in 28 days. It sucks that everything is beginning to fall apart all over again. It sucks that everything sucks!

I try to be positive and when I do I get slapped in the face by people who supposedly care about me. I reakky just do not know what to do now. I mean really. How do I win?

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