I thought I could get through this. I thought, as long as I keep him in my mind I can do this. I cant. I am sitting here sobbing hysterically because of something I read and nightmares I had. I just want him here.

I keep thinking about seeing him in the hospital. Keep thinking of that final kiss on his cheek. How I laid in that bed with him and held him one last time. How I didnt want to leave his side....not even for one minute. How all I could do was beg God to bring him back.

I dont know how to handle this. People gey annoyed with me being so sad, but guess what? They did not have to see what we saw. They did not see their loved one lay in a hospital bed with a fever so bad he had to be surrounded with ice packs and the room was like a freezer. They didnt have to see their fiances head wrapped in a bandage. They didnt wipe the blood off of his ear or see the swelling.

Nobody has a damn right to judge how sad I am. Nobody has the right to say anything negative about the way I am handling this. Because I am try as hard as I can. You live with the guilt of knowing about that gun. You live thinking about how horrid of a gf you must have been for him to do that. Then you can judge me.

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