Saturday, November 20, 2010

I keep trying to remember how happy I used to be. Sure I have been able to have some fun since it happened....but I have not been genuinely happy since that pinky promise on April 13th, 2010. Less than 24 hours before it happened...he pinky promised me that he would pick me up on the 16th for my vacation....that was the first, and only, pinky promise he ever broke...

Speaking of pinky promises being broken....I have broken mine to him. While laying with him in the hospital bed, I pinky promised him that I would take care of his family, and help them get through this. But dammit...I have failed. I have been of no help to the Twomey's. I havent done anything useful and that eats at me every single day. I want so badly to fix this, to make them happy again. I feel as though I am failing not only them, but CJ as well.

It is bad enough I failed him while he was alive, but now I am failing him when he is gone. I am the worst girlfriend wonder nobody wants to be with me. No wonder I have lost all of my friends. Am I the only one who couldnt see that I wasnt doing enough? Did I not see the signs that he was no longer happy? I just dont know what to think anymore....
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  1. Go easy on yourself, sweetheart. You didn't fail him. I know you don't believe that, but you didn't. Be kind to yourself. You are loved.

  2. you are NOT responsible for anyones happiness but your own...
    go ahead beat yourself up ... be misrable but that wont help them...or honor CJ.
    you were not a bad girlfriend nor could you have had any idea what he was feeling inside... depression is an illness and suicide is not shared if it were there would not be so many of them, because if they shared the pain the hopelessness then they would find they are NOT alone and NOTHING is NOT fixable....
    go look in the mirror... the beautiful young woman you see there is the ONLY one you are responsible for at this time in your life... and as a parent i can tell you that even when you have kids there is only so much and for so long that you are responsible for.
    and listen to what Gucci Mama said ;) she is right.

  3. Danielle, my best friend (who was a sister to me) died four years ago. She died of cancer, so there was time to prepare(yeah, right, whatever), but I remember all the time she was sick - I was able to function and help and do. I took care of her kids, I supported her mom and husband in tough decisions, I prayed, I organized, I made things happen. I promised her I would help with her kids, encourage her husband, be there for her mom....and when she died - I wasn't. I just couldn't. I was just too tired. And too sad. And too many other things. I have the benefit of being older and father removed from my tragedy. It does get easier. But not now. Not for a while. And even if you could fix Hallie - she's not ready. The road of grieving is very lonely, but I promise you - you are not alone. You are not alone. All you can do is put one foot in front of the other. One day - not now - but one day; you'll realize all those steps walked you out of your grief and into a new place of peace.

    I pray that you are making those steps -even if they don't feel productive right now. Just keep moving. Keep going. CJ would want nothing less for you.

    Prayers, little one.


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