Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I was listening to my Ipod today and realized....almost every single song reminds me of him, or us. Even music seems to be turning against me....how could something that is so important to me devestate me now? Either the song was one of "ours", or he sang it to me, or he danced to it, or he loved it, or we rocked out to it, everything is him.

I almost cried at work because of it. I was angry, annoyed, pissed, at everyone and everything. All I wanted was some angry music to calm me down...but every song I came across was relevant to him, in some way.

I want to toughen up. People think I am being pathetic and that little things like that shouldnt bother me, but the fact is, they do. It is not my choice, it is not something I can control, it just...is.

I know a lot of people are worried about me right now. I DO seem to be getting worse, and I am aware of it. I couldnt do what he did. Not because I am not capable, because it is an easy thing to do, but because of the effects. I may not be a part of they Twomey family, but I feel as though that would really make things worse for them. And as Dayna told me last night, I couldnt do it because of Charlie. I have been around Charlie three times now, and he is such an incredible boy. Wisdom and strength beyond his years, and such a big heart. Not to mention, my family. Their reaction to CJs death has shown me that it would destroy them if I chose the same path.

I love all of you above, and my friends. I am trying so hard to get through this so please, bare with me. Please, help me. Please, support me. If I am too much for any of you, I understand. If you dont want me in your life anymore, I understand. But dont play with me head. Be straight with me from now on. But thank you, and I love you, to those of you who are true.
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