Monday, July 19, 2010

I Am Terrified

I was set against coming back on here....the only reason I made a blog was for CJ and now that he is not here....well....what is the point? I just finished reading Hallie's and decided that maybe this could help me, and if nothing else, others can maybe understand why I don't answer their calls or their texts...

April 14th, 2010 was by far the worst day of my life. My fiancee chose to put a gun to his head and pull the trigger. Of course the moment it happened the rumors began to fly. The few I have heard are 1) I cheated on him and thats why he did it, 2) I broke up with him, and 3) we were fighting. These are not true. CJ and I had an amazing day together on April 12th, the Monday before it happened. We went shopping and had a blast, he was so sweet and I thought that things had finally reached the point where all of our plans would become possible. He dropped me off at school that night and I cried, I didn't want him to leave.

April 13th, Tuesday night. My friends, Chelsea, Lauren, and I went to Auburn to bring CJ some stuff he had left behind the night before, and to grab an ice cream...had I known what the next day was going to bring I never would have gone to see him. See, had I not been able to get a ride on Tuesday, he was going to come up and get his stuff Wednesday morning, meaning he never would have been at his house when he was....Anyways, after we got ice cream and were getting ready to head back to Farmington, I got this sick feeling in my gut and started sobbing my eyes out. I begged CJ to come with me back to school. I just wanted him to spend the night with me. I begged and pleaded and cried, but he refused but PROMISED me, PINKY PROMISED ME that he would pick me up on Friday so we could spend my vacation together....needless to say....he broke that promise.

April 14th, 2010, I went to my practicum hours that morning with a heavy heart because I was sad that CJ did not come back with me. When he woke up that morning he was acting very odd when he was texting me. We got into a deep conversation and I knew something was up...but I never dreamed it would end up this way...I left practicum and called him and he seemed okay, just a bit worried because he knew serious conversation was about to take place. I wished him luck and went on my way to Psych class. During the last 15 minutes of my class he called, but I ignored it because I could not answer. Had I known that would be his last call to me....I would have answered in a second. I texted him and told him that I would call when I was out of class. When he texted me back I knew....He said "I am so sorry for this, always and forever." I began to panic and told him not to talk like that, I told him I was going to call his mom. Class got over and i called him at least 20 answer. I called our friend Darrin and he had received a text as well. I knew it then...I called his mom and all she could do was scream "I'm so sorry."

I collapsed to my dorm room floor....I knew he had the gun in his car....I had seen it the night before....but he had a good explanation for it so I believed him. I screamed, what I screamed I will never remember. That whole day is a complete blur to me...But I screamed and I screamed, until a CA knocked on my door. I opened it and collapsed to the floor again....crying and screaming. What happens next is all a blur and all I know is what people told me. I got a text from my friend Brianne asking if I wanted to go response was, CJ is dead. She was by my side in a matter of minutes. The cops came, the Dorm Advisor came, apparently even a counselor was there. I just kept screaming at them to let me leave. Finally Lauren showed up and we headed to Auburn. We had to stop at a Dunkin Donuts because I had to pee and get was awful.

When we got to the hospital and I saw his parents, I nearly got was horrible. To see them crying the way they were was so sad to me. His dad brought me into the room and when I saw CJ laying in that bed, I nearly collapsed. His brother was by my side holding me up and holding my hand. The sight I saw....I can't and won't describe. But that wasn't my baby in that bed...that was whatever demons had taken over him. He was on machines so it looked like he was still breathing which made it even harder for me to accept that he wasn't going to wake up. I held his hand, I kissed his cheek, I yelled at him, I cried to him, I begged and pleaded to him....but nothing...

I do know that he was hearing us though....I prefer to keep those signs to myself as they are all I have left of him...but I do not have a doubt that he knew the pain we were feeling and he knew the anger and sadness and he felt bad for causing it. That night I stayed in the hospital but I could not sty in the room with him. That was not how CJ and I slept....he cuddled with me, and snored so bad I would beat him with a pillow....I didn't want our last night together to be me in a chair next to him like that....the next day as no better....we were faced with heart wrenching facts and decisions that needed to be made. We were asked to leave for a few hours...that was not helpful...We went back to his parents house where I nearly was sick. That driveway was where it happened....the dogs were happy to see me, but then looked around me as if to ask where CJ was. I never wenth there without CJ....they still do it whenever I go and visit...

I went to shower and broke down in tears because I did not know how to work it....I sat on the floor and cried until my friend got it situated for me. She also had brought me a bunch of his stuff, which I shared with his family. We went back to the hospital that night to say our final goodbyes....the room was full of his friends and family. They all said their goodbyes until it was just his parents, his brother and I. I looked at him, held his hand, put my head on his chest, told him I loved him, and left the room..I could not bare it anymore. I went back to the waiting area and was swamped with hugs...if only I could have had a hug from him....even one last time...

The days have gone on in a blur. For a month I was a zombie, I could barely get out of bed, some days I had to remind myself to breathe. I went back to school and finished the semester, but not happily. I never want to go back there...that was our get away. No parents, no adults, just us. That was where he proposed to me on October 31, 2009. That was where so many tears were shed over military things, fights, broken friendships. Thats where we would be nerds and play WoW for hours and hours. Thats where there was so much love....I am sobbing right now so this is where I will end...I wish this made me feel better but in reality it doesn't. He is not coming back, my baby, the love of my life, the man I was supposed to have a life with...he is gone, but he will be forever in my heart.


  1. My heart aches for you as you're at the beginning of this pain I know quite well. You must remember to never blame yourself. You must believe that there is nothing you could have done differently, no choice you could have made, no words you could have said, nothing you could have done to change what happened. This was not your fault. You loved him perfectly and you continue to. I wish you peace, baby girl. I hope it finds you soon.

  2. Nothing I can say or do will help.

    But what can help is you talking about it like you just did. Talk about and remember the good times and keep his flame alive and burning bright.

    God bless.

  3. I'm so sorry sweetie, I wish there was something I could do to cheer you up but I know there's not. I know we've never really gotten along but it doesn't mean you deserved this because you didn't. Yeah, I heard the rumor that you cheated on him and I know you loved him very much and would have never done that. I wish you luck in everything that you do from here on out.

    -Cassie H.

  4. My heart weeps for your loss,..I wish I had words, ones that could make things better,.. but I do not,.. know you are thought of and loved

  5. I've been thinking of you and praying for you. I admire your courage in coming here and writing and I hope that it was helpful for you.

  6. Oh god sugar, I am so so so so sorry... I can't imagine how you feel right now.

    I truly hope thing sget at least a little bit better. I'm so sorry for your loss and his family...

    I know you don't have any clue who I am, but Gucci sent me here, and if there is ANYTHING I can do... if you just want to talk or cry or yell... Email me

    Hell Ill give you my # so you can yell over the phone if you need to.

    I'm so sorry for you babe...

  7. This just broke my heart. I wish I could give you a hug but I can't. Know that there will come a time when it will be easier to remember him, the pain will remain but it will ease.. I think you should meet another blogger friend of mine. Her brother committed suicide and she is just now getting to a place she can be at peace with. Those choices leave so many wondering what we could have done or didn't do. People will always say hurtful things looking for a logical explanation for an illogical situation.
    Here is my friends blog I think you 2 would get along famously

  8. Oh Danielle honestly you are SO brave. The fact that you were able to write this and actually put it out there is amazing. Honestly even though I know that you are feeling like you're falling apart you are going to be just fine (eventually) and CJ will always be a part of you. My hear goes out to you soooo much. Much love


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