Monday, September 27, 2010

Nothing Good About Goodbye

I am trying to be positive...and some days it works great. But it's nights alone like this that break my heart....
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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I Just Want A Whisper...

I used to get so excited when CJ would whisper (message) me on WoW when he wasn't in Farmington...people have been whispering me the past few days and every time I get one my heart sinks because he used to be the only person who would whisper me. It is silly things like this that bring tears to my eyes and break my heart all over again...

I haven't been home in about a week, been hanging out in Farmington...heading home tomorrow and hopefully I will finally calm down. Can't handle this anxiety crap anymore! Tomorrow I being getting really serious about losing weight since there is no way I am going to ship out unless I lose 5 pounds....preferably 10, but I don't see that happening. I just really wish I had a work out buddy who could kick my ass, I need that right now!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

WoW Just Isn't The Same...

Played a whole lot of WoW last night....Natya finally hit 70 :) I do know he would be proud of that. But it just is not the same. I miss him sitting next to me nerd raging and yelling at silly noobs and giving me that sweet smile every so often. I miss his pally saving my ass from stupid murlocs...I miss him. I started playing this so we could have something to do together and now to play alone, it is very hard.

I suppose this is silly...I suppose some will think this is ridiculous....but for me it is yet another reality check that the love of my life is gone and he is not coming back. Some days it doesn't hit so hard, some days it's just like he is gone to work, but then reality sets in and I know that is not the case. I have dreams sometimes where he is alive and when I wake up it is like being hit in the stomach.

I miss his blue eyes, his gorgeous smile, his silly laugh, the way he would throw me over his shoulder if I was bad because he knew I could not keep from laughing. I miss falling asleep on the couch rubbing each others feet, I miss baking cakes together, I miss sneaking around Poppa's apartment with the nerf gun and scaring him. I miss going to Shaws EVERY DAY because he had to see if the food selection had changed. I miss shopping with him. I miss stealing his clothes. I miss EVERYTHING about him. I would give anything to fight with him right now, to be in tears, to hear hateful words, because AT LEAST he would be alive, and I would be able to see him.

I feel like such a jerk, but when I see people crying over a silly break up I get angry. At least that guy/girl is still alive, you can still see him, talk to him, there is still a chance that it will work out for them. For me...there is no chance, there is no calling and hearing his voice, there is no chance that I will run into him somewhere and that, that is just devestating..

Monday, September 20, 2010

Someone Who Can Try To Understand

Today I had a long talk with a friend who recently lost her boyfriend in a car accident. It was nice to have a conversation with someone who has SOME idea of how I feel. They were very different circumstances but we both lost the love of our lives in tragic ways.

It breaks my heart that she is going through a lot of the same things that I am...because I know how much she is hurting. She was so sweet and an amazing listener and I like to think I was as well. It is a conversation that I truly hope will not be our last.

It was tough to get into, because we both wanted to talk about it but at the same time didn't want to talk about it at all. Thanks V, you are a great friend, and I am so sorry for your loss

Friday, September 17, 2010

WTB Friends?

SO it's so awesome how all of these adults are SO proud of me, the ones who are most proud are ones that I have never even met! But when it comes to hanging out with somebody on the weekend? FORGET IT! Everyone is too buy for usual. Seriously people do not seem to get that when I leave Maine, I will be back to visit but I am NOT coming back to stay. Once I start quick shipping, hopefully in a few weeks, I could leave any day.

Yeah I am whining. But I do not want to spend my last few weeks/months alone! I hate sitting at home, I really do. I have no cable and no internet, I can only work out for so long, and dammit I really get lonely!

I realize this is a stupid rant, but when CJ was here I was never alone. If he wasn't by my side he was simply a phone call I have nobody, and I am too social of a person to live like this, I really, truly am...

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Officially sworn into USAF DEP

Last night I was approved to go to MEPS. I was so shocked. Ironic how on the 5th month anniversary of CJ's death I was FINALLY approved to move on with the process I have been trying so hard to do. And on DAYNA'S birthday I swore in! Such a bittersweet day today was...I wish CJ could have been there to see me swear in...but I am sure he was watching with pride...I hope so anyways...

I do not know when I am shipping out nor do I know what job I have, so no asking yet :) All I know right now is that I need to drop a few pounds and soon I will begin to do quick ship, meaning every ship out date I will be at MEPS hoping someone backed out of a job that I am qualified for!

I would also like to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAYNA! I LOVE AND MISS YOU!!!!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

5 Months too long....

It's been 5 months since that horrid day in April where I had to say goodbye to my love and my best friend. I still, every day, wonder what went wrong, wonder why he did it, wonder how I could not have prevented it.

For those of you who have shown me support, I thank you so very much. I do not think I would be able to get through this without all of your help. I continue to blame myself every day for this....and in doing so I continue to lose friends; off of Facebook and in real life. Having people bail on you at a time like this is probably the most devastating thing that could happen...but people think that I am too negative, that I need to "get over it" and that I need to move on. It is just really not that simple and I realize people do not understand that...which is a blessing and a curse.

I hope nobody EVER has to go through this, I just wish people could understand that I do not know what I want. I change my mind every five minutes. I am fine one second and the next I am is NOT something I can control. It is NOT something I want to be going through....but what am I to do?

My life has changed so drastically, in ways I never could have imagined. None of which have been positive....but again, what am I to do? I hear a song and I lose it, I sit at home alone and have anxiety attacks....How can I change that?!? The answer is simply, I can't. Not right now anyways. So please...understand that.