"you can shed tears that he is gone, or you can smile because he has lived. you can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all he's left. you can remember him only that he is gone, or you can cherish his memory and let it live on. you can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back. or you can do what he'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on."

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Having a bit of a rough night tonight. Stumbled upon the song Letters From War on someones Facebook page....if you have not heard that song, look it up, it hits hard.

I am so worried about my friend deploying....he means more to me than he knows and he leaves very soon. Please pray for him....

Christmas is coming and I am trying so hard to stay strong but I know once Christmas Eve gets here I am going to crumble...and I cant help but worry about the whole Twomey family. Please keep them in your prayers..

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Today was horrible. Someone in my family was so awful to me today that I cried my eyes out at work. I am sick sick sick! I worked 430 to 1230. I was just informed a good friend deploys in 2 weeks. Anything else???

*sigh* I want good news. I want something to be excited about. I dont want to be so sad!!

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I cant believe that we are still standing after 8 months. I know I say that every month but this month is the hardest of all. Seeing people smiling, holding hands, being in love, it makes me heart drop. Watching husbands buy gifts for their wives and vice versa...I want to buy for CJ. I want to be that happy.

I want to feel his hand in mine, see his smiling face, hear him call me "kumkwat", smell his body wash when he steps out of the shower, taste his diet coke kisses, and just have him here. I here him in every song, see him in every store, but I want my CJ. I want my future husband, future father of my kids, and current love of my life.

I havent even changed the month of my calendar. I refuse to. I refuse to see the most magical time of the year go by without him. It is not fair. I think I am making progress, and it all comes crashing down. I just need someone to hug me and hold me and tell me everything will be alright; even though clearly it wont be.

I miss being wanted, being needed. I miss having that person I can call any time day or night. I miss having that person who calls just to say "i love you". I want him back. I want him back NOW. Or trade places with him. So I wouldnt have to see all these people hurt. I would have done anything for him. "I would give everything I own. Give you my life, my heart, my home."

I hear "Youll be in My Heart" at the Maine Mall the other day. Thats the song Hallie always told CJ she would dance with him to at his wedding. I nearly lost it. His wedding, would have been our wedding. I would have been watching them dance with a big smile on my face and happy tears in my eyes. I no longer have the opportunity to do that. I can no longer plan our wedding, our lives, our futures. I can no longer do anything....

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I went to church today for the first time. I felt so guilty...I have been so caught up in myself the past 8 months...maybe I have handled everything all wrong? Maybe if I had only decided to let Jesus and God into my life things would be different?

I really do not know, but I think I would like to explore this a little bit more. I am clueless when it comes to religion, so learning wont hurt me any. Maybe it will even help. I guess we will see...

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It really sucks when you let someone in and they stab you in the back. It really sucks to think you are trusted just to find out that they dont trust you at all. It really sucks that I cant keep a friend for more than a few months.

It also really sucks that I am about to lose the AF if I dont lose weight in 28 days. It sucks that everything is beginning to fall apart all over again. It sucks that everything sucks!

I try to be positive and when I do I get slapped in the face by people who supposedly care about me. I reakky just do not know what to do now. I mean really. How do I win?

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Brothers

Very rough night tonight. Watched the movie Brothers...which is about a soldier who becomes a POW in Afghanistan and returns home and has major PTSD (sorry if I ruined the movie for anyone). In the end, the soldier puts a gun to his head and that instant brought me back to April 14...to see someone come so close to doing it was horrifying. I could not breathe, was crying, and nearly threw up.

I am so worried about a good friend now....he deploys soon and even though he will not be gone long, I am terrified of losing him. Funny....I have never met him in person but I feel closer to him than a lot of my friends around here. I fear for the worst, since I just saw what could happen...

What if I do not have the strength to do this Air Force thing? What if I really am not tough enough? Can I handle war? Can I shoot a gun and be trained to kill? Can I look someone in the eye and know that they are the enemy? Can I have the strength that CJ had? Or will I fall apart and give up?

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The second person I am thankful for....

Brie Holloran
*She truly is my best friend
*She has driven, more than once, from UMF to Auburn simply because I needed her
*She shares her bed :)
*She shares her family
*She lets me snuggle with her boyfriend ;)
*She is there any time of day
*She took care of me all summer
*She brought me to Florida!
*She didnt leave my side when everyone else did
*After CJ died, she stayed in my dorm room so I was never alone

I love you Brie! Thank you for everything you have done and continue to do!

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So I was told that I should start writing about what I am thankful for. I think I'll give it a shot.

CJ:
*He taught me how to love
*He got me through college
*He was the best support system anyone could ask for
*He made me laugh when my world was crumbling
*He was the best lover and the best friend
*He never judged me
*He held me when I cried
*He bragged about me to his friends
*He warmed up the bed for me
*He sent me texts at 2am saying he loved me
*He introduced me to amazing people
*He made me part of the family
*He made me grow up
*He was everything I could ever hope for
*He taught me life is too short to hold grudges
*He trusted me
*He loved me

Thats all I can stomach for today. I will do a new person tomorrow. But writing this made me realize how much I learned in the years we had known each other. I have so much to thank him for. I have so much more life experience because of him. I am stronger, I am wiser, I know love. Thank You Christopher John Twomey.

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What an emotional day. I saw a lot of family that I have not seen in years, so was forced to rehash some of the details of that dreaded day. Managed to keep it together until now. Since I am proud of myself for staying strong all day, I dont feel so bad for sobbing now.

Worried about Christmas. Worried that I am going to lose my grandfather before Christmas gets here. I will NOT be able to get through that day without both of them. Please pray for him, I need him for one more Christmas...

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I was listening to my Ipod today and realized....almost every single song reminds me of him, or us. Even music seems to be turning against me....how could something that is so important to me devestate me now? Either the song was one of "ours", or he sang it to me, or he danced to it, or he loved it, or we rocked out to it, everything is him.

I almost cried at work because of it. I was angry, annoyed, pissed, at everyone and everything. All I wanted was some angry music to calm me down...but every song I came across was relevant to him, in some way.

I want to toughen up. People think I am being pathetic and that little things like that shouldnt bother me, but the fact is, they do. It is not my choice, it is not something I can control, it just...is.

I know a lot of people are worried about me right now. I DO seem to be getting worse, and I am aware of it. I couldnt do what he did. Not because I am not capable, because it is an easy thing to do, but because of the effects. I may not be a part of they Twomey family, but I feel as though that would really make things worse for them. And as Dayna told me last night, I couldnt do it because of Charlie. I have been around Charlie three times now, and he is such an incredible boy. Wisdom and strength beyond his years, and such a big heart. Not to mention, my family. Their reaction to CJs death has shown me that it would destroy them if I chose the same path.

I love all of you above, and my friends. I am trying so hard to get through this so please, bare with me. Please, help me. Please, support me. If I am too much for any of you, I understand. If you dont want me in your life anymore, I understand. But dont play with me head. Be straight with me from now on. But thank you, and I love you, to those of you who are true.

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Having anxiety again. Will I ever get better? Will I ever be able to go one day without breaking down? I realize I am becoming a burden to others....and for that, I am sorry.

I am starting to understand how he felt. I am starting to understand how even though people "care" about you, you can still feel alone. Like I have said before, to quote Titanic, "I feel like I'm in a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and nobody even looks up."

I just dont know anymore. Everyone has all these solutions for my problems, but it is not that simple. I dont want to share my story to a group, I dont have the money for a counselor, and I WILL NOT go on meds. I will take the misery and the sleepless nights before I go on meds....

I just hope everyone knows that I love them....I really do....

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Winter is coming....it is getting colder....the holidays are getting closer....and I have no FREAKING clue how I am going to get through them....I keep finding myself Christmas shopping for him. I think that is one of the hardest things to deal with. I will walk through a store and think, "oh CJ would LOVE that," then I remember....not that I ever truly forget.

On cold nights like this, currently 21 degrees, I just want to come home to him snoring in the heated bed. I want to come home to his warm body. I want to come home to his open arms. I want to come home to HIM. But every night I come home to a dark house with an empty bed. Every night it is a knife through my heart. Every night I lie awake in hopes that he can see how much I miss him.

I dont like this hurt. I dont like this pain. I dont want to spend the holidays here....but there is nowhere else to go. What I WANT cant happen. What I WANT can never happen again....which destroys me. *sigh* I realize I am getting worse. I dont cry as much as when it first happened, now I am simply numb and just dont, and cant, care about anything. Sympathy for others is something I no longer know, which makes me a terrible person but its not something I can control. I want to be me again.

But I cant be me again. Because the old me died with CJ. The old me knew what love and happiness was. Now all I know is heartbreak, sadness, and anger. I want to go back to April 13th and MAKE CJ come back to Farmington with me. I want to insist that he leaves with me. Want, want, want. Thats all I am lately.....

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I keep trying to remember how happy I used to be. Sure I have been able to have some fun since it happened....but I have not been genuinely happy since that pinky promise on April 13th, 2010. Less than 24 hours before it happened...he pinky promised me that he would pick me up on the 16th for my vacation....that was the first, and only, pinky promise he ever broke...

Speaking of pinky promises being broken....I have broken mine to him. While laying with him in the hospital bed, I pinky promised him that I would take care of his family, and help them get through this. But dammit...I have failed. I have been of no help to the Twomey's. I havent done anything useful and that eats at me every single day. I want so badly to fix this, to make them happy again. I feel as though I am failing not only them, but CJ as well.

It is bad enough I failed him while he was alive, but now I am failing him when he is gone. I am the worst girlfriend ever...no wonder nobody wants to be with me. No wonder I have lost all of my friends. Am I the only one who couldnt see that I wasnt doing enough? Did I not see the signs that he was no longer happy? I just dont know what to think anymore....

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Happy Birthday Tatante!

Even though my grief seems unbareable at times, life is still going on. Days continue to go by and today is no exception. BUT, it is my aunts birthday!

My aunt took me in 3 years ago when I left my parents house and had nowhere else to go. She feeds me, gives me a roof over my head, and anything else I need. Some days I am not as thankful as I should be so I will take today to say...thank you, Tatante, for all that you do for me. I love you so much and appreciate everything you do for me..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LINDA DUBOIS!

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I thought I could get through this. I thought, as long as I keep him in my mind I can do this. I cant. I am sitting here sobbing hysterically because of something I read and nightmares I had. I just want him here.

I keep thinking about seeing him in the hospital. Keep thinking of that final kiss on his cheek. How I laid in that bed with him and held him one last time. How I didnt want to leave his side....not even for one minute. How all I could do was beg God to bring him back.

I dont know how to handle this. People gey annoyed with me being so sad, but guess what? They did not have to see what we saw. They did not see their loved one lay in a hospital bed with a fever so bad he had to be surrounded with ice packs and the room was like a freezer. They didnt have to see their fiances head wrapped in a bandage. They didnt wipe the blood off of his ear or see the swelling.

Nobody has a damn right to judge how sad I am. Nobody has the right to say anything negative about the way I am handling this. Because I am try as hard as I can. You live with the guilt of knowing about that gun. You live thinking about how horrid of a gf you must have been for him to do that. Then you can judge me.

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Dear CJ

Everyone says you would want me to be happy....if you wanted me to be happy, why would you do this? Why would you take away the happiest Ive ever been?

My anger is beginning to fade; but it is not gone. I know you must have been hurting so badly to do something so final. I could have helped you....youre family could have helped you...I hope you can see how much we love you.

Please know that not a day goes by that I dont think of your gorgeous smile, your bright blue eyes, your warm hugs, and your loving kiss. You have a huge piece of my heart, a piece I will never get back and oddly, I am okay with that. I would rather you have taken it with you than give it to someone who never loved me at all.

Please know that no matter how angry I may be, no matter what I say or do, you were my everything. I may not be able to spend my life with you, or hold you every night, but I feel your arms around me every time I have a bad dream. I hear your laugh when I talk about the foolish things you have done. I feel your hand in mine when I walk alone. You are a part of me, and I am so thankful for that.

I thank God that i had the time I had with you. Nobody else can say that they spent the night before with you eating ice cream and giggling. Nobody else got that long sweet kiss at the end of the night. Nobody else got to kiss you through Lauren's car window. And nobody else got to make that final pinky promise

I love you Christopher John Twomey. Always and Forever has a brand new meaning. Youre always in my heart.

Forever yours,
Danielle

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Well today I decided to go back to school in January for a semester until I get a date for the Air Force. I miss school, so much. I miss my friends, the campus, the classes, everything. Plus, if I get enough credits I will start basic as an E3 instead of an E1 meaning....MORE MONEY!

Thank you Ms. Labrie for making me realize that I can really do this!

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I am really getting sick of these flashbacks....they scare me and always happen at the worst times. I was cashing someone out at work today and nearly burst into tears because everything about that day came rushing back. I have no idea what triggered it or why it happened but it wasw horrid.

I am still crying from it....why? Why wont they stop? Why is my life forever altered because of his stupid decision? I am so angry! I dont want to be mad at him but I am...I am so mad! I still have to live this life and when I am plagued by nightmares, even when I am awake, it makes life hell. It makes waking up every day hell. I just want this to stop...

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So ive been told to make a list of things im thankful for. I shall try...

1) My family. Even though we all fight constantly I know that they love me. My mom and I have had a rocky relationship...but the day CJ was in the hospital, she showed up without me even having to ask.

2) the Twomey family. Even though I have lost them as a family, I am thankful that they have each other and that their love is so strong.

3) My (FEW) friends. I really do not have many, but the ones who are there for me have proven that they really care. It boggles my mind that people who have never met me care more about me than people I have known for my whole life.

4) My health. Granted I dont have the best health, and certainly not the best body, I am able to work, play, and learn.

5) A job. I make decent money, work with decent people, and I am able to afford the things that I want which is more than a lot of people can say.

6) Love. I may not have CJ in my life now, but he taught me how to love. He showed me that I can do anything and that it is possible to love me. He showed me laughter, and happiness. He showed me things that I will never forget. He taught me to love and to live, and for that I am forever thankful.

I am sure there are a lot of other things I should be thankful for....but right now this is the best I can do....

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Write my feelings....not sure if you all want to hear them but okay...

1) i hate life. I hate waking up everyday and not seeing that smile

2) i hate death. Death took the love of my life away from me

3) i hate guns, i hate bullets

4) i hate myself. How the FUCK did i not realize this was coming

5) i hate jettas. All jettas. Mostly silver ones. What if one of them is his?

6) i hate maine. I hate auburn. I hate farmington. I hate mass. I hate haverhill. I hate andover. I hate the loop. I hate any place we went together because we will never go there together again.

7) i hate being judged. Every time someone looks at me i can feel it.

8) i hate people being afraid to talk to me. I WANT TO TALK DAMMIT!

9) i hate that i lost his family and i lost my friends

10) i hate when people blame me for this when they get mad at me

11) i hate that i have to even write this shit.

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Where Would I Be Without My Friends?

Thanks lovies, you always know how to make me laugh when I don't even want to smile. I can never thank you guys enough for wiping away my tears when I cry, making me giggle when I feel like the world is crashing down around me, and making me laugh so I hard it hurts. You guys make life worth living whenever there are doubts. I love you!

Thanks Brie

Just because her eyes don't tear doesn't mean her heart doesn't cry. Just because she comes off strong, doesn't mean there's nothing wrong

I would like everyone to remember that...just because you see me once and I seem happy, that does not mean that I am. Just because there are no tears on my face, doesn't mean that I can't feel the hole in my heart. Just because I act strong for everyone else, doesn't mean I don't feel the weakest I have ever been. Give me a break guys....I am really trying! But what does that matter right?

6 horrible months...

How am i still breathing?
How am i making it through the days?
How am i waking up every morning?

I dont know how to do this....it hurts so much. He took a piece of me with him when he died.....a piece I will never ever get back.

I miss him so much....

CJ youre my everything....always and forever has a bramd new meaning....

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Nothing Good About Goodbye

I am trying to be positive...and some days it works great. But it's nights alone like this that break my heart....

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I Just Want A Whisper...

I used to get so excited when CJ would whisper (message) me on WoW when he wasn't in Farmington...people have been whispering me the past few days and every time I get one my heart sinks because he used to be the only person who would whisper me. It is silly things like this that bring tears to my eyes and break my heart all over again...

I haven't been home in about a week, been hanging out in Farmington...heading home tomorrow and hopefully I will finally calm down. Can't handle this anxiety crap anymore! Tomorrow I being getting really serious about losing weight since there is no way I am going to ship out unless I lose 5 pounds....preferably 10, but I don't see that happening. I just really wish I had a work out buddy who could kick my ass, I need that right now!

WoW Just Isn't The Same...

Played a whole lot of WoW last night....Natya finally hit 70 :) I do know he would be proud of that. But it just is not the same. I miss him sitting next to me nerd raging and yelling at silly noobs and giving me that sweet smile every so often. I miss his pally saving my ass from stupid murlocs...I miss him. I started playing this so we could have something to do together and now to play alone, it is very hard.

I suppose this is silly...I suppose some will think this is ridiculous....but for me it is yet another reality check that the love of my life is gone and he is not coming back. Some days it doesn't hit so hard, some days it's just like he is gone to work, but then reality sets in and I know that is not the case. I have dreams sometimes where he is alive and when I wake up it is like being hit in the stomach.

I miss his blue eyes, his gorgeous smile, his silly laugh, the way he would throw me over his shoulder if I was bad because he knew I could not keep from laughing. I miss falling asleep on the couch rubbing each others feet, I miss baking cakes together, I miss sneaking around Poppa's apartment with the nerf gun and scaring him. I miss going to Shaws EVERY DAY because he had to see if the food selection had changed. I miss shopping with him. I miss stealing his clothes. I miss EVERYTHING about him. I would give anything to fight with him right now, to be in tears, to hear hateful words, because AT LEAST he would be alive, and I would be able to see him.

I feel like such a jerk, but when I see people crying over a silly break up I get angry. At least that guy/girl is still alive, you can still see him, talk to him, there is still a chance that it will work out for them. For me...there is no chance, there is no calling and hearing his voice, there is no chance that I will run into him somewhere and that, that is just devestating..

Someone Who Can Try To Understand

Today I had a long talk with a friend who recently lost her boyfriend in a car accident. It was nice to have a conversation with someone who has SOME idea of how I feel. They were very different circumstances but we both lost the love of our lives in tragic ways.

It breaks my heart that she is going through a lot of the same things that I am...because I know how much she is hurting. She was so sweet and an amazing listener and I like to think I was as well. It is a conversation that I truly hope will not be our last.

It was tough to get into, because we both wanted to talk about it but at the same time didn't want to talk about it at all. Thanks V, you are a great friend, and I am so sorry for your loss

WTB Friends?

SO it's so awesome how all of these adults are SO proud of me, the ones who are most proud are ones that I have never even met! But when it comes to hanging out with somebody on the weekend? FORGET IT! Everyone is too buy for Danielle....as usual. Seriously people do not seem to get that when I leave Maine, I will be back to visit but I am NOT coming back to stay. Once I start quick shipping, hopefully in a few weeks, I could leave any day.

Yeah I am whining. But I do not want to spend my last few weeks/months alone! I hate sitting at home, I really do. I have no cable and no internet, I can only work out for so long, and dammit I really get lonely!

I realize this is a stupid rant, but when CJ was here I was never alone. If he wasn't by my side he was simply a phone call away....now I have nobody, and I am too social of a person to live like this, I really, truly am...

Officially sworn into USAF DEP

Last night I was approved to go to MEPS. I was so shocked. Ironic how on the 5th month anniversary of CJ's death I was FINALLY approved to move on with the process I have been trying so hard to do. And on DAYNA'S birthday I swore in! Such a bittersweet day today was...I wish CJ could have been there to see me swear in...but I am sure he was watching with pride...I hope so anyways...

I do not know when I am shipping out nor do I know what job I have, so no asking yet :) All I know right now is that I need to drop a few pounds and soon I will begin to do quick ship, meaning every ship out date I will be at MEPS hoping someone backed out of a job that I am qualified for!

I would also like to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAYNA! I LOVE AND MISS YOU!!!!

5 Months too long....

It's been 5 months since that horrid day in April where I had to say goodbye to my love and my best friend. I still, every day, wonder what went wrong, wonder why he did it, wonder how I could not have prevented it.

For those of you who have shown me support, I thank you so very much. I do not think I would be able to get through this without all of your help. I continue to blame myself every day for this....and in doing so I continue to lose friends; off of Facebook and in real life. Having people bail on you at a time like this is probably the most devastating thing that could happen...but people think that I am too negative, that I need to "get over it" and that I need to move on. It is just really not that simple and I realize people do not understand that...which is a blessing and a curse.

I hope nobody EVER has to go through this, I just wish people could understand that I do not know what I want. I change my mind every five minutes. I am fine one second and the next I am bawling...it is NOT something I can control. It is NOT something I want to be going through....but what am I to do?

My life has changed so drastically, in ways I never could have imagined. None of which have been positive....but again, what am I to do? I hear a song and I lose it, I sit at home alone and have anxiety attacks....How can I change that?!? The answer is simply, I can't. Not right now anyways. So please...understand that.

I'm Home....

Well I survived the two flights home, even though I was absolutely terrified! Not a fan of take offs or turbulance, may have made myself look like a baby a few times but hey, I did it with no medication!

The trip was amazing, but there were definitely sad points like I knew there would be. When we walked into the Harry Potter part of Universal I was dumbfounded but my heart sank. CJ would have loved it, he was so excited to go with me this summer. Somehow it did not feel right to be smiling and laughing when I did not have him by my side.

I found myself looking through the glass door at the house, looking at the pond, and feeling so guilty that CJ wasn't there with me. If he was still here, we would be married and living in a place like that, and life would be perfect. But he isn't here....life isn't perfect....and I have to accept that.

In other news, I go down to Meps Sunday night to process Monday morning! I am SO glad that this is finally happening I need to be gone for Christmas. No, running away will not help any, but I can sure as hell hope it makes it somewhat easier. I would rather have a TI screaming in my face then be reminded over and over again that my beloved fiance is not there to spend Christmas with me.

*sigh* I REALLY MISS HIM!

Florida Tomorrow...

I was always supposed to go to Florida this summer...CJ and I were supposed to get married and move to Florida near Darrin...tomorrow I go to Florida with a family I absolutely adore...but it's not mine...I am so very happy that I was included and I am sure it will be a great time but I am scared.

I have only been to Florida once, when I was in 8th grade...I never saw myself going back without him. It is going to be hard to see what I am missing....but I am hoping a great time is coming. I worked 7 days in a row, I need some relaxation.

Lately I have had the best support from someone I could ask for. This person has been my best friend since elementary school and I thank God for him every day. I don't think I would make it through without him....

Going Back...

Last night I went back to Poppa's apartment in Haverhill, which is where CJ lived for almost the whole time we were together. When we pulled into the driveway, my heart sank. As much as I love Brie, I should not have been there with her, I should have been there with him.

So many firsts happened there. The first time I said I love you, the first time I played WoW *blush*, among many other memories I prefer to keep close to my heart. Besides his parents and his brother, that's where I met a lot of his family and their friends. I saw the town where he was born, I saw where his parents grew up, we ate at Harrisons...yum. It's just not right that the place I practically lived for a summer does not belong to us anymore...

Poppa changed the entire place around, which is probably for the best. I was okay when I first walked in, looked around, had some memories flash through my head. When Poppa showed me what he did to "our room" my heart sank. I LOVE what he did to the place, but that room...it absolutely destroyed me to see it without his clothes thrown everywhere, without Panda and Baby Panda, without the lovely smell I had grown accustomed to, without his messy bed thrown together, without his laptop sitting next to the couch, without....him.

It was so bittersweet to be there. I was SO happy to see Poppa and Grammie and Paul. It had been far too long. We talked a but about CJ, but we talked about other things as well, such as the fact that Poppa's AC died, and Christmas vacation plans.

I knew it would be tough to go there, but I am very glad that I did. I love you guys<3

20 Things To Keep In Mind About Me Right Now

1) He loved me, with all that he had

2) This was NOT my fault

3) Just because I don't cry in public everyday does not mean I am not broken

4) People need to stop talking about me

5) I am joining the Air Force for more reasons than one, support me

6) I will love again...someday. Don't rush me

7) I don't compare everyone to him, there would be no comparison

8) I'm not capable of loving anyone right now, myself included

9) If my grief is too much to handle, remove me from your life

10) Thank you for making me realize who my true friends are, I have like two

11) If you have $h!t to say, say it to me, not all of your little friends

12) Christopher John Twomey was the love of my life. We were going to be married this summer. See how weddings MIGHT JUST MAKE ME SAD?!?!?

13) If you don't like my Facebook statuses, hit the "remove friend" button then hit yes

14) I can't sleep alone

15) I burst into tears for what seems like no reason

16) I hate being alone

17) I hate being reminded that he is not coming back. I got it, THANKS

18) I am losing a family that I should have gained this summer

19) Don't start rumors, want the truth? ASK DAMMIT

20) I'm not a bitch, I am grieving, and everyone is turning on me. See why I MIGHT JUST GET UPSET???

It Only Hurts When I Breathe

So many people think that I am over it...I am far from over it.


So many people have forgotten the trauma I live each and every day...I haven't.


So many people don't and can't understand this pain...I don't either.


So many people have said they wish they could take the pain for me....I wouldn't wish that.


So many people don't know what to say....I get that.


So many people have distanced themselves from me...I hate it.


So many people don't realize the love I had/have for him....I know they can't.


So many people have stopped calling...I wish they wouldn't have.


So many people were there for me the week it happened...I long for them to come back.


So many people have never lost someone like this....I thank God for that.




I found a song that fits me perfectly. It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing by Shania Twain:


It only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So I hold my breath, to forget.


Anyone who wants to say that I should just get over it, anyone who says I don't care, well quite frankly, they can all go to hell. I miss CJ with every ounce of my being. Not a second goes by that I do no think of him, I see him in everything that I do. At work, on the beach, in the car, in the trees, EVERYWHERE!

I Am Terrified

I was set against coming back on here....the only reason I made a blog was for CJ and now that he is not here....well....what is the point? I just finished reading Hallie's and decided that maybe this could help me, and if nothing else, others can maybe understand why I don't answer their calls or their texts...

April 14th, 2010 was by far the worst day of my life. My fiancee chose to put a gun to his head and pull the trigger. Of course the moment it happened the rumors began to fly. The few I have heard are 1) I cheated on him and thats why he did it, 2) I broke up with him, and 3) we were fighting. These are not true. CJ and I had an amazing day together on April 12th, the Monday before it happened. We went shopping and had a blast, he was so sweet and I thought that things had finally reached the point where all of our plans would become possible. He dropped me off at school that night and I cried, I didn't want him to leave.

April 13th, Tuesday night. My friends, Chelsea, Lauren, and I went to Auburn to bring CJ some stuff he had left behind the night before, and to grab an ice cream...had I known what the next day was going to bring I never would have gone to see him. See, had I not been able to get a ride on Tuesday, he was going to come up and get his stuff Wednesday morning, meaning he never would have been at his house when he was....Anyways, after we got ice cream and were getting ready to head back to Farmington, I got this sick feeling in my gut and started sobbing my eyes out. I begged CJ to come with me back to school. I just wanted him to spend the night with me. I begged and pleaded and cried, but he refused but PROMISED me, PINKY PROMISED ME that he would pick me up on Friday so we could spend my vacation together....needless to say....he broke that promise.

April 14th, 2010, I went to my practicum hours that morning with a heavy heart because I was sad that CJ did not come back with me. When he woke up that morning he was acting very odd when he was texting me. We got into a deep conversation and I knew something was up...but I never dreamed it would end up this way...I left practicum and called him and he seemed okay, just a bit worried because he knew serious conversation was about to take place. I wished him luck and went on my way to Psych class. During the last 15 minutes of my class he called, but I ignored it because I could not answer. Had I known that would be his last call to me....I would have answered in a second. I texted him and told him that I would call when I was out of class. When he texted me back I knew....He said "I am so sorry for this, always and forever." I began to panic and told him not to talk like that, I told him I was going to call his mom. Class got over and i called him at least 20 times....no answer. I called our friend Darrin and he had received a text as well. I knew it then...I called his mom and all she could do was scream "I'm so sorry."

I collapsed to my dorm room floor....I knew he had the gun in his car....I had seen it the night before....but he had a good explanation for it so I believed him. I screamed, what I screamed I will never remember. That whole day is a complete blur to me...But I screamed and I screamed, until a CA knocked on my door. I opened it and collapsed to the floor again....crying and screaming. What happens next is all a blur and all I know is what people told me. I got a text from my friend Brianne asking if I wanted to go shopping..my response was, CJ is dead. She was by my side in a matter of minutes. The cops came, the Dorm Advisor came, apparently even a counselor was there. I just kept screaming at them to let me leave. Finally Lauren showed up and we headed to Auburn. We had to stop at a Dunkin Donuts because I had to pee and get sick...it was awful.

When we got to the hospital and I saw his parents, I nearly got sick....it was horrible. To see them crying the way they were was so sad to me. His dad brought me into the room and when I saw CJ laying in that bed, I nearly collapsed. His brother was by my side holding me up and holding my hand. The sight I saw....I can't and won't describe. But that wasn't my baby in that bed...that was whatever demons had taken over him. He was on machines so it looked like he was still breathing which made it even harder for me to accept that he wasn't going to wake up. I held his hand, I kissed his cheek, I yelled at him, I cried to him, I begged and pleaded to him....but nothing...

I do know that he was hearing us though....I prefer to keep those signs to myself as they are all I have left of him...but I do not have a doubt that he knew the pain we were feeling and he knew the anger and sadness and he felt bad for causing it. That night I stayed in the hospital but I could not sty in the room with him. That was not how CJ and I slept....he cuddled with me, and snored so bad I would beat him with a pillow....I didn't want our last night together to be me in a chair next to him like that....the next day as no better....we were faced with heart wrenching facts and decisions that needed to be made. We were asked to leave for a few hours...that was not helpful...We went back to his parents house where I nearly was sick. That driveway was where it happened....the dogs were happy to see me, but then looked around me as if to ask where CJ was. I never wenth there without CJ....they still do it whenever I go and visit...

I went to shower and broke down in tears because I did not know how to work it....I sat on the floor and cried until my friend got it situated for me. She also had brought me a bunch of his stuff, which I shared with his family. We went back to the hospital that night to say our final goodbyes....the room was full of his friends and family. They all said their goodbyes until it was just his parents, his brother and I. I looked at him, held his hand, put my head on his chest, told him I loved him, and left the room..I could not bare it anymore. I went back to the waiting area and was swamped with hugs...if only I could have had a hug from him....even one last time...

The days have gone on in a blur. For a month I was a zombie, I could barely get out of bed, some days I had to remind myself to breathe. I went back to school and finished the semester, but not happily. I never want to go back there...that was our get away. No parents, no adults, just us. That was where he proposed to me on October 31, 2009. That was where so many tears were shed over military things, fights, broken friendships. Thats where we would be nerds and play WoW for hours and hours. Thats where there was so much love....I am sobbing right now so this is where I will end...I wish this made me feel better but in reality it doesn't. He is not coming back, my baby, the love of my life, the man I was supposed to have a life with...he is gone, but he will be forever in my heart.

Christopher John “CJ” Twomey Will be Forever Missed

Written For Danielle by Brie

I am writing to give you all sad news on April 15^th 2010 Danielle said her final good bye to her fiancée CJ Twomey. He passed away unexpectedly. This left his family and friends shocked.

Please take a moment to read CJ’s obituary his family wrote this even in their time of sadness. Also take a moment to sign guest book.

For those of us who knew CJ we will forever feel the shock of his death. We will miss his laugh, his smile, and his ability to make out the good in any situation. CJ was an amazing person who made an impression on everyone who knew him. My family knew CJ for a night and they even feel the sadness of his passing.

Danielle has received a huge amount of support from her family and friends. All of us need to be there for her no matter what. Even after the services she needs our support.

One way you can help out CJ’s family is by making a donation to a fund set up by friends of CJ’s parents. The fund is called the "Twomey Family Benefit” for the family to use as they see fit – for funeral expenses, for a memorial for CJ or maybe even to just be able to get away as a family and spend time grieving the loss of their beloved son.

A donation can be made at any TD Bank and ask to make a donation to the "Twomey Family Benefit" (these exact words must be used). If, however, you do not have a TD Bank near you (as they are only located on the East Coast) you can simply mail a check to:

TD Bank

200 US Route 1

Falmouth, ME 04105

Make Checks payable to Twomey Family Benefit, also include those words in the memo line.

Remember that we all need someone to lean on in our times of need and please be there for Danielle.

Thank you,

Brie

HvZ

So for those of you who don't know what HvZ is, it is Humans vs Zombies and it is the bane of my existence. See here is the scoop; half of the people are humans and half are zombies. They run around trying to hit each other with nerf guns or sock mace things and are a total pain to the entire campus population who is not playing.

As much as I like to walk out of or walk in to my dorm late at night and be jumped, it gets quite old. I mean really people? We are in college! GIVE ME A BREAK! FML!

Just ranting.....damn game!

I'm Gonna Miss Him

Well CJ leaves this week for Texas...he is going to be gone for 2 months :( I am going to miss him so much!



One of our last kisses :(



Don't mind the tears!



I couldn't let go

WOW!!

HOLY CRAP! I woke up this morning to 18 notifications on Facebook, ALL of which said Happy Birthday! Then I checked it a few hours later and there were 12 more, then I checked it again and there were 16 more! I knew I had great friends but I never realized I had so many people who cared! THANKS EVERYBODY! Today is a busy day but you have all made it a lot easier and much more enjoyable. (Not to mention all the texts I received as well!!!!!)

The sun is shining and my amazing boyfriend is waiting for me in my room, what more could I ask for on my birthday! Love you all and thank you so much!

Bruins Game!

Yay! In like 11 hours Brie and I will be on our way to the Boston Bruins game and believe me, after the past 2 days I need it!

I have been in and out of the hospital the past 2 days because it appears I have ovarian cysts :( ickyyy! Thankfully mine isn't too big, only 2 cm but lemme tell you, IT FELT FREAKING HUGE! Think about the sharpest thing you can think of stabbing you in the ovaries, oh yeah NOT pleasant!

Now thankfully mine is not that big, but that is something that could happen :( It is terrifying! And it hurts! Ugh Bruins BETTER win, that's all I have to say lol

I also miss my boyfriend :( While I have been going through all this is is soaking up the sun in Florida with his family, lucky duck! I am super jealous, but I know he is worried about me so I feel bad for making him worry :( He will be home soon though and he has promised a tummy rub so I am content :)

40 Baby!

I am sure there are not many women who are excited to hit 40, but about an hour ago, NATYA HIT LEVEL 40! WHOO HOO! I don't suck at WoW as much as I thought I would! Ha I am guessing no one is as excited as I am but ya know...it's okay.


Also, my birthday is in 18 days! Whoo hoo! 19 here I come! Such a lame age but whatever, another year older!

WoW Update :)

Yepp, Natya hit 30 last night! I was very impressed :) Thank to those of you who have helped me xD

Going home here in a few minutes, gotta tumble tomorrow! I am excited, I LOVE going to Duziaks with Stephen and Mike, and CJ is going to come watch too! Yay!

Good Old Cheering Days

Oh how I miss this....

I'm A Gamer Girlfriend?!?!?!?!

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD COME!?!?!? I, Danielle Dubois, have an official WoW character of my own! Her name is Natya and she is currently a level 19 mage! Haha CJ helped me set up an account and honestly I really am having fun with it! I know I have always been anti WoW but it is really cool that CJ and I can have something in common that we both like to do. Of course I will NEVER be as good as he is, I like to think I am doing okay!

Short post and I know it has been a while but I have been leveling xD haha :)

Oh What A Night

Last night my friend Brie and I decided we would go to a hockey game at 9:45 pm. It had been raining off and on all day but it didn't seem to be a big deal. The ride there was fine, we grabbed a bite to eat and went to the game. After two periods we decided that our team was boring to watch so we decided to head out.


We both needed to grab a few things from Wal Mart, so we figured since we were already in Waterville, we would just stop there. We ended up being there until midnight! When we left, it had started snowing and the roads were beginning to get slushy...uh oh....


So we were driving and we felt the car slip a bit but it seemed like everything was under control....until the last swerve....Brie thought she had gotten the car back under control so she did was any person would do, and one of the worst things you can do while sliding.....brake.


The next part seemed like it took forever to happen when in reality it could not have been more than a few seconds. We slid, and spun to the other side of the road and went into a ditch on my side. My thought process was insane!


The whole time we were sliding I could hear myself say to Bire, "relax, you got this, relax, we're going to be okay." I noticed no cars were coming so I was very grateful for that. I realized we were going off the side of the road into the ditch, so I closed my eyes, gritted my teeth, and waited for the pain.


When the car finally stopped the first thing I checked was to make sure Brie was okay. She was very shaken, but physically fine. I then realized my body was numb from the adrenaline and even if I was hurt I would not have felt it. I checked the window, fine, I checked my body, not a scratch. I then started feeling the pounding in my head and realized I had hit my head off of the passenger window. Damn did it hurt! I then felt the twinge in my neck, and the very painful spot in my back. It can't be anything serious because here I sit typing this, but it still really hurts.


We had to wait 45 minutes for the tow truck, mind you we called AAA at around ten past twelve at night....so it was very cold. The car is okay, both passenger side doors are dented and the car needs a serious front end alignment but other than that, it was quite a trooper!


In reality we were only 30 mins from campus, according to the GPS, but we took it very slow, because we were both shaking and nervous. We finally got home safe at 2am! Neither of us went to our classes today because we are sore and exhausted, but we talked to our teachers and they fully understand.


Tomorrow I am heading to Auburn to see my soldier! I am so excited but it is supposed to snow a lot so Brie and I are nervous now to travel. We'll be okay though. A lot of people have asked why we don't just stay on campus, but, 1) she needs to get her car checked out, 2) she doesn't want to go alone, and 3) I gotta see my babe!

So keep us in your prayers for tomorrow and wish us a safe trip because we need it!

HE'S HOME!

Check out what is next for Ssgt Twomey here!

I am so happy my baby is home :) He has a boo boo or too, but check out the whole story by going to his mom's blog above!

I LOVE YOU CHRISTOPHER JOHN TWOMEY AND YOU MAKE ME SO PROUD IN EVERYTHING THAT YOU DO!

Back to Reality

Well, spring vacation number one wasn't exactly the best. I worked, went tanning, and dealt with the dramatic people of Auburn. This is the first time I have actually been glad to be back in Farmington, weird huh?

Not too much to say, this week was pretty lame. I had to come back to UMF today instead of tomorrow because I have to work at good old DD tomorrow morning at 8am....oh joy!

Missing the boyfriend but hey that is no surprise, missing cheering, and so glad to be back on my own.

My love, My life, My soldier

Finally! Pictures! I had to post this one because even though CJ is in Afghanistan he still is being his silly self with his cheesy grin :) I was so excited to see that he posted pictures last night. It is so nice to see his face. A face that I miss so much. I am doing alright at the moment, these pictures definitely have helped me come to terms with things. All I can do is support him 100% and wait for his phone calls.

I adore this, of course we are all worried about him and he can still make me laugh! What a goober :) I would like to thank everyone that has been so supportive of me, CJ, and his family at times like this. It is sooooo needed and even just saying one kind word can brighten my day.

I love you Ssgt Twomey. Stay safe, come home soon, and remember, I'll see you later :)

**I can't hug you on the phone, so hurry home**