20 Years Sure Goes By Fast...

So...it is my 20th birthday...and I am not sure how I feel about it. A whole lot has happened in 20 years, a whole lot that I never imagined possible. I have loved and lost, cried and laughed, learned to forgive, and learned to forget. I found the love of my life, and in an instant he was gone. Met a new girl, and that makes me very happy.

Today is a hard day. Last year on my birthday, I went to KFC, Taco Bell with CJ and some friends and had an amazing night; 9 years later he chose to leave this world. This year, I stayed awake until midnight with Kotye, just so she could say happy birthday, and she held me until I fell asleep. I was so very happy, but it is so strange to spend my birthday with someone else, but, in a good way.

I feel so very strange. SO happy that I have Kotye, so lost because CJ is gone. I don't know how to act, should I smile, should I cry? I don't know. I know that 20 years has been a HELL of a ride, and I sure hope the next 20 look a little bit better.

Thank you to everyone who has wished me a Happy Birthday, I really appreciate it and I love you all.

How I Feel Through Photos

Lost

Frustrated

Stressed

Alone

Sad

Confused

The Past 2.5 Weeks...

The past two and a half weeks have been spent in Mechanic Falls with Tyler's family, The Bisbee's, and Liza, and Brandon. I have not smiled, laughed, shared emotion, had fun, this much since before April 14th, 2010. Even though we were all grieving together, we were all able to talk openly about our deceased loved ones and smile about them.

I would like to thank the Mechanic Falls, Poland, Minot, area community for all of the support they have shown the Bisbee's through the most difficult time in their lives. The support has been mind blowing and I am so thankful they have it.

Liza and I got matching tattoos in memory of Tyler. They are the symbol from the hat he was wearing when he died; the Fox symbol and the Monster symbol. I love it.

Going back to school is going to be SO hard! I haven't left this family's side in so long! I do not know how I am going to make it! Twice I have tried to leave, and twice I came back because I missed them so much...geez...

RIP Tyler Bisbee

It is just one thing after another....not even 10 months after I lose CJ, I lose a good friend in a tragic car accident. Click here to see what little news is out so far.

Tyler Bisbee and I met at the campground we both grew up in each and every summer. He was the little brother of my good friend Keith, and we all had so many fun times together. From eating crazy amounts of pizza, to overeating absurd amounts of ice cream, to swimming for hours, playing basketball, going to the movies, teaching me to drive a jeep (that I completely wrecked the transmission of), to going out to eat, to playing silly games, and so many more fun times, such as the time Tyler ate all of my salsa and ended up sick all night because it was almost a whole jar! We never had a dull moment at Range Pond Campground.

Tyler had an unfortunate head on collision yesterday around 4pm. Sadly, he left us at the scene. It breaks my heart that there is nothing I can do for his family. Prayers and thoughts to the Bisbee family are 100% welcome. Tyler was only 17 years old, and there will forever be a hole in all of our hearts.

This hurts so badly...I don't even have time to mourn one death when another one slaps me in the face. Life is far too short...I don't think people realize this enough...

I will miss you Tyler...I will miss all the fun times we had, but that is what I will remember. The adorable boy with the hilarious sense of humor and the great smile. RIP sweetie

Angry Rant

So this is my angry rant, do not take it to heart, but I have to get it out...here goes.

I am so sick and tired of people forgetting I exist. CJ was the man I was actively trying to have a child with and also the man who put a ring on my finger with the intention of marrying me. Yet here we are, almost 10 months later and nobody asks how I am doing, nobody talks to me, nobody gives me any compassion. Let me rephrase that, nobody ACTIVELY SHOWS these things. People tell me they are thinking of me but how am I supposed to know that when nobody says anything to me??

Last night I went nuts. In my mind I tore a few people to shreds. Guess what? NOBODY WANTS TO CELEBRATE THE GOD DAMN DAY THE LOVE OF MY LIFE CHOSE TO LEAVE EARTH! I fully intend on spending most, if not all, of Aril in my bed. Guess what kiddos?? My birthday is April 5th, YUP, 9 days before he decided to do it. But Danielle doesn't need any support or anything...nahhhh.

Here is another news flash to all the attention whores out there. You can play the whole "poor poor me" game, but there are those of us who know the truth. Guess who sat with CJ one night listening to him sob about how he had no friends anymore? I DID! Guess who was by his side no matter what happened? I WAS! Where were you when he was in the hospital? Where were you at the wake? Where were you at the funeral? Where were you as we were huddled together in the teeny tiny room where we said our final goodbyes to him?

I am sorry to be such a raging bitch right now, but this shit had to be said. I am sick of everything and just about everyone at this point in time. But I now feel a HELL of a lot better.

My Newest Obsession

Oh What a Night

It's been one of those nights...fighting back tears and finding myself all alone, only physically of course. I have someone wonderful who is only a text or a phone call away but tonight was one of those nights where I just wanted to sob hysterically and have someone hold me while I freak out. Since I had nobody here, I bit my lip and kept it all in; impressively so if I might add.

It was foolish really. I saw something on Facebook that made me incredibly angry and I just lost it. Angry at everyone, angry at myself, sad about everything, and I just could not seem to cheer up! I am still pretty down, but talking to Gucci Mama made me feel better :) She's a pretty rad woman, that Gucci :)

So here I sit with a half smile on my face, knowing how I am feeling right now is, dare I say it, "normal" and that I am not as crazy as people make me out to be. That doesn't mean I feel okay about these crazy mixed up feelings, no no no! I hate them! I want them gone! But for now, settling with dealing with them will have to do...

Thank you to the few people who made me feel better tonight, you know who you are, you guys all rock my world. I love you!

It's Been A While...

I haven't really had the energy to write lately. Sometimes blogging just makes me so sad, since I made this simply because I wanted CJ to read it....

Well, I am back at school, and believe you me it is kicking my ass. Well, anatomy is kicking my ass. My other classes are not too bad, there is still one I have not been too yet because it is once a week on Tuesday nights and last Tuesday night classes were canceled.

On a happy note, I am playing volleyball and having a great time! I am not super great but I am not terrible either! It is fun! I also have been doing Zumba and going to the gym, AND eating better! Maybe I will get healthier this time around :)

Not much else to say right now...just thought I would write so people don't worry too much :)

I dont even have to look at my blog from this time last year. I know what it says. It talks about how I had no desire to change things in my life. I was happy. I had an amazing guy, I was going to school, and I was completely content.

This year it is different. This year there ARE things I want to change. This year I want to do me. I want to change the way I look at the world, the way I think, the way I react. I want to love not only others, but myself as well. I can do this, I have to.

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