Well today I decided to go back to school in January for a semester until I get a date for the Air Force. I miss school, so much. I miss my friends, the campus, the classes, everything. Plus, if I get enough credits I will start basic as an E3 instead of an E1 meaning....MORE MONEY!

Thank you Ms. Labrie for making me realize that I can really do this!

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I am really getting sick of these flashbacks....they scare me and always happen at the worst times. I was cashing someone out at work today and nearly burst into tears because everything about that day came rushing back. I have no idea what triggered it or why it happened but it wasw horrid.

I am still crying from it....why? Why wont they stop? Why is my life forever altered because of his stupid decision? I am so angry! I dont want to be mad at him but I am...I am so mad! I still have to live this life and when I am plagued by nightmares, even when I am awake, it makes life hell. It makes waking up every day hell. I just want this to stop...

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So ive been told to make a list of things im thankful for. I shall try...

1) My family. Even though we all fight constantly I know that they love me. My mom and I have had a rocky relationship...but the day CJ was in the hospital, she showed up without me even having to ask.

2) the Twomey family. Even though I have lost them as a family, I am thankful that they have each other and that their love is so strong.

3) My (FEW) friends. I really do not have many, but the ones who are there for me have proven that they really care. It boggles my mind that people who have never met me care more about me than people I have known for my whole life.

4) My health. Granted I dont have the best health, and certainly not the best body, I am able to work, play, and learn.

5) A job. I make decent money, work with decent people, and I am able to afford the things that I want which is more than a lot of people can say.

6) Love. I may not have CJ in my life now, but he taught me how to love. He showed me that I can do anything and that it is possible to love me. He showed me laughter, and happiness. He showed me things that I will never forget. He taught me to love and to live, and for that I am forever thankful.

I am sure there are a lot of other things I should be thankful for....but right now this is the best I can do....

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Write my feelings....not sure if you all want to hear them but okay...

1) i hate life. I hate waking up everyday and not seeing that smile

2) i hate death. Death took the love of my life away from me

3) i hate guns, i hate bullets

4) i hate myself. How the FUCK did i not realize this was coming

5) i hate jettas. All jettas. Mostly silver ones. What if one of them is his?

6) i hate maine. I hate auburn. I hate farmington. I hate mass. I hate haverhill. I hate andover. I hate the loop. I hate any place we went together because we will never go there together again.

7) i hate being judged. Every time someone looks at me i can feel it.

8) i hate people being afraid to talk to me. I WANT TO TALK DAMMIT!

9) i hate that i lost his family and i lost my friends

10) i hate when people blame me for this when they get mad at me

11) i hate that i have to even write this shit.

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Where Would I Be Without My Friends?

Thanks lovies, you always know how to make me laugh when I don't even want to smile. I can never thank you guys enough for wiping away my tears when I cry, making me giggle when I feel like the world is crashing down around me, and making me laugh so I hard it hurts. You guys make life worth living whenever there are doubts. I love you!

Thanks Brie

Just because her eyes don't tear doesn't mean her heart doesn't cry. Just because she comes off strong, doesn't mean there's nothing wrong

I would like everyone to remember that...just because you see me once and I seem happy, that does not mean that I am. Just because there are no tears on my face, doesn't mean that I can't feel the hole in my heart. Just because I act strong for everyone else, doesn't mean I don't feel the weakest I have ever been. Give me a break guys....I am really trying! But what does that matter right?

6 horrible months...

How am i still breathing?
How am i making it through the days?
How am i waking up every morning?

I dont know how to do this....it hurts so much. He took a piece of me with him when he died.....a piece I will never ever get back.

I miss him so much....

CJ youre my everything....always and forever has a bramd new meaning....

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