WoW Just Isn't The Same...

Played a whole lot of WoW last night....Natya finally hit 70 :) I do know he would be proud of that. But it just is not the same. I miss him sitting next to me nerd raging and yelling at silly noobs and giving me that sweet smile every so often. I miss his pally saving my ass from stupid murlocs...I miss him. I started playing this so we could have something to do together and now to play alone, it is very hard.

I suppose this is silly...I suppose some will think this is ridiculous....but for me it is yet another reality check that the love of my life is gone and he is not coming back. Some days it doesn't hit so hard, some days it's just like he is gone to work, but then reality sets in and I know that is not the case. I have dreams sometimes where he is alive and when I wake up it is like being hit in the stomach.

I miss his blue eyes, his gorgeous smile, his silly laugh, the way he would throw me over his shoulder if I was bad because he knew I could not keep from laughing. I miss falling asleep on the couch rubbing each others feet, I miss baking cakes together, I miss sneaking around Poppa's apartment with the nerf gun and scaring him. I miss going to Shaws EVERY DAY because he had to see if the food selection had changed. I miss shopping with him. I miss stealing his clothes. I miss EVERYTHING about him. I would give anything to fight with him right now, to be in tears, to hear hateful words, because AT LEAST he would be alive, and I would be able to see him.

I feel like such a jerk, but when I see people crying over a silly break up I get angry. At least that guy/girl is still alive, you can still see him, talk to him, there is still a chance that it will work out for them. For me...there is no chance, there is no calling and hearing his voice, there is no chance that I will run into him somewhere and that, that is just devestating..

Someone Who Can Try To Understand

Today I had a long talk with a friend who recently lost her boyfriend in a car accident. It was nice to have a conversation with someone who has SOME idea of how I feel. They were very different circumstances but we both lost the love of our lives in tragic ways.

It breaks my heart that she is going through a lot of the same things that I am...because I know how much she is hurting. She was so sweet and an amazing listener and I like to think I was as well. It is a conversation that I truly hope will not be our last.

It was tough to get into, because we both wanted to talk about it but at the same time didn't want to talk about it at all. Thanks V, you are a great friend, and I am so sorry for your loss

WTB Friends?

SO it's so awesome how all of these adults are SO proud of me, the ones who are most proud are ones that I have never even met! But when it comes to hanging out with somebody on the weekend? FORGET IT! Everyone is too buy for Danielle....as usual. Seriously people do not seem to get that when I leave Maine, I will be back to visit but I am NOT coming back to stay. Once I start quick shipping, hopefully in a few weeks, I could leave any day.

Yeah I am whining. But I do not want to spend my last few weeks/months alone! I hate sitting at home, I really do. I have no cable and no internet, I can only work out for so long, and dammit I really get lonely!

I realize this is a stupid rant, but when CJ was here I was never alone. If he wasn't by my side he was simply a phone call away....now I have nobody, and I am too social of a person to live like this, I really, truly am...

Officially sworn into USAF DEP

Last night I was approved to go to MEPS. I was so shocked. Ironic how on the 5th month anniversary of CJ's death I was FINALLY approved to move on with the process I have been trying so hard to do. And on DAYNA'S birthday I swore in! Such a bittersweet day today was...I wish CJ could have been there to see me swear in...but I am sure he was watching with pride...I hope so anyways...

I do not know when I am shipping out nor do I know what job I have, so no asking yet :) All I know right now is that I need to drop a few pounds and soon I will begin to do quick ship, meaning every ship out date I will be at MEPS hoping someone backed out of a job that I am qualified for!

I would also like to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAYNA! I LOVE AND MISS YOU!!!!

5 Months too long....

It's been 5 months since that horrid day in April where I had to say goodbye to my love and my best friend. I still, every day, wonder what went wrong, wonder why he did it, wonder how I could not have prevented it.

For those of you who have shown me support, I thank you so very much. I do not think I would be able to get through this without all of your help. I continue to blame myself every day for this....and in doing so I continue to lose friends; off of Facebook and in real life. Having people bail on you at a time like this is probably the most devastating thing that could happen...but people think that I am too negative, that I need to "get over it" and that I need to move on. It is just really not that simple and I realize people do not understand that...which is a blessing and a curse.

I hope nobody EVER has to go through this, I just wish people could understand that I do not know what I want. I change my mind every five minutes. I am fine one second and the next I am bawling...it is NOT something I can control. It is NOT something I want to be going through....but what am I to do?

My life has changed so drastically, in ways I never could have imagined. None of which have been positive....but again, what am I to do? I hear a song and I lose it, I sit at home alone and have anxiety attacks....How can I change that?!? The answer is simply, I can't. Not right now anyways. So please...understand that.

I'm Home....

Well I survived the two flights home, even though I was absolutely terrified! Not a fan of take offs or turbulance, may have made myself look like a baby a few times but hey, I did it with no medication!

The trip was amazing, but there were definitely sad points like I knew there would be. When we walked into the Harry Potter part of Universal I was dumbfounded but my heart sank. CJ would have loved it, he was so excited to go with me this summer. Somehow it did not feel right to be smiling and laughing when I did not have him by my side.

I found myself looking through the glass door at the house, looking at the pond, and feeling so guilty that CJ wasn't there with me. If he was still here, we would be married and living in a place like that, and life would be perfect. But he isn't here....life isn't perfect....and I have to accept that.

In other news, I go down to Meps Sunday night to process Monday morning! I am SO glad that this is finally happening I need to be gone for Christmas. No, running away will not help any, but I can sure as hell hope it makes it somewhat easier. I would rather have a TI screaming in my face then be reminded over and over again that my beloved fiance is not there to spend Christmas with me.

*sigh* I REALLY MISS HIM!

Florida Tomorrow...

I was always supposed to go to Florida this summer...CJ and I were supposed to get married and move to Florida near Darrin...tomorrow I go to Florida with a family I absolutely adore...but it's not mine...I am so very happy that I was included and I am sure it will be a great time but I am scared.

I have only been to Florida once, when I was in 8th grade...I never saw myself going back without him. It is going to be hard to see what I am missing....but I am hoping a great time is coming. I worked 7 days in a row, I need some relaxation.

Lately I have had the best support from someone I could ask for. This person has been my best friend since elementary school and I thank God for him every day. I don't think I would make it through without him....